Category Archives: Humour

Strategic advances at Liberal Democrat Voice

This week's Golden Dozen displayed via wordle.netWe at LDV towers are proud to announce a new strategy for Liberal Democrat Voice which will increase our influence within and beyond the party and leverage the capabilities of social media technologies to their full potential. This strategy makes full use of the unique placement we have as ‘our place to talk’ and premier online Liberal Democrat presence, as well as our regular authoritative members’ surveys.

The strategy has three essential, intertwined and synergistic elements:

1. We will be moving the site to the Nationbuilder platform …

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That Ed Miliband speech in full…

milibandThe following arrived in a brown envelope at Lib Dem Voice Towers, this morning. It is probably an early draft.

I want to start by thanking somebody from the bottom of my heart.

Ella Philips, who fell off her bike and called me an action hero who mysteriously appeared out of nowhere. She called me suave and not geeky at all.

I was pretty pleased with this until I realised she was concussed. So I got her to vote in her local constituency candidate selection.

I have emotion that is felt at kitchen tables …

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Opinion: Paxman, politics and pogonophobia

Bearded Nick Clegg

Oh what a fuss about a beard!

The media has gone mad over Jeremy Paxman’s beard, egged on a ‘Twitter storm’ last night. Even the BBC has got in on the act, declaring its presenter’s beard to be ‘notorious’.

What is it about beards that generate such interest, dislike, even fear? (This fear, the media tell us with glee, is properly called pogonophobia.)

Distrust of beards is nothing new. I grew mine the moment I escaped from sixth form. As an archaeologist, being hirsute was pretty much obligatory for men in those days. But when I led a dig for a county council, the head of personnel laughed out loud at the ‘odd habit’ of us diggers growing facial hair.

Also posted in Op-eds | Tagged , , and | 15 Comments

Clegg: I’m perfectly relaxed about my staff wearing shorts to work

VANCL-Hawaiian-Beach-Shorts-Men-s-Yellow-White-SKU_6609665.bakHad all those staff cooped up in 70 Whitehall who are responsible to the deputy prime minister been listening to LBC 97.3 this morning (which I’m sure they weren’t of course; far too busy) they would have heard their boss announcing a dispensation from the usual rules of Whitehall attire, and giving them permission to turn up to work tomorrow in shorts.

The DPM didn’t even lay down any ground rules, so it seems it really is dress-down Friday time. Hawaiian shorts. A classy little three-quarter length denim number. And of course flip-flops and sandals. Or perhapsa less revealing pair of espadrilles.

Also posted in News | 8 Comments

A short history of the market

As world conquests go, this was pretty impressive. While there were dark muttering about Islam taking over the world, neo-liberalism went ahead and did it in less than 50 years. It used the tools of an organised religion. If you wanted to be part of it, you had to forswear all others and commit yourself to a belief in the mystical powers of the Market. You could not question the powers of the Market, despite any evidence to the contrary, and discussion could only take place if both parties took the magical powers that flow from the Market as fact. …

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Bene habere bonum Aprilis Stulte Dies

I hope you all spotted that we had not one, but two, April Fool posts yesterday.

Simon McGrath announced a Special Lib Dem Conference to be held on April 1st 2016 when all former Lib Dem Ministers would don sackcloth and ashes and apologise for their actions in Government. I hear a song coming on …

That was followed by a post by our new co-editor, Caron Lindsay on how you can help Liberal Democrat Voice. Oh, sorry … that was deadly serious.

But later in the morning the Lib Dem Voice collective revealed that secret talks had been going on between the

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Hoggart on Webb: “He understands it so you don’t have to! Thank heavens!”

steve webbThe Guardian’s Simon Hoggart has been collecting examples of impenetrable jargon. This week, Lib Dem pensions minister Steve Webb features:

Thanks for the many examples of jargon you’ve sent in, and we’ll have a proper look at it all soon. In the meantime, there are examples which are actually quite helpful.

Take work and pensions, which is without a doubt the most difficult of all government departments. Yet the Liberal Democrat minister Steve Webb actually seems to know exactly what he is talking about. He may be alone. See if you

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That was the day that was… 15 March (with added by-election good news)

Another day over, here at Liberal Democrat Voice, and a fascinating one it has been too.

There is good news to report from Arun, in Sussex, courtesy of Cllr Jamie Bennett;

To put the result in perspective, a Conservative majority of nearly 1,000 was overturned, with Liberal Democrats up from 16% to 34%. Congratulations to our successful candidate, Paul Wells, and all of the team in Aldwick East.

Elsewhere, Liberal Democrat proposals for press regulation have been published on the Party website. We’ll have more coverage of that over the weekend and early next week.

And finally, in keeping with my occasional attempts to bring culture to the masses, here’s a little something that I’d like to dedicate to our site’s resident Eurosceptic…

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EXCLUSIVE: Lib Dem Voice supplies secret weapon to Eastleigh campaign

Eastleigh HQ

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Confessing LDV team members named

Some rights reserved by Lori GreigOn Christmas Eve some of the Liberal Democrat Voice team made public some interesting “confessions”. At that stage it was a case of “no names, no pack drills”. Readers had a chance to guess which team member made which confession. (There were a few jokers in there to make it even more interesting).

Now we can reveal the identity of each penitent:

Confession #1

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Christmas confessions from the Lib Dem Voice team

Confession - Some rights reserved by Lori GreigAs the Christmas sherry loosens us all up a bit, here are some confessions from the Liberal Democrat Voice team.

To turn it into a bit of a quiz, no names appear against each confession. So you’ll have to guess who the confessor is in each instance. By all means use the comments field below to have a stab at the identity of the owner of each revelation.

To make it a bit more interesting, there is an unspecified number of

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A Christmas Carol, as sketched by Bodz. All 5 Staves Omnibus.

Over the past five days, LibDemVoice has been delighted to bring you a contemporary updating of Charles Dickens’ classic story, A Christmas Carol, penned for us by Andy Boddington.

LDV scrooge story

If you missed any, or simply want to sit back in a comfy chair with a glass of mulled wine and enjoy the whole saga again from start to finish, here are all five staves of the story as sketched by Bodz. God bless them, every one…

Stave One: Mensch’s Ghost;

Stave Two: The Ghost of

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A Christmas Carol. Stave Five: The End of It

LibDemVoice is delighted to bring you A Christmas Carol, a contemporary re-imagining of Charles Dickens’ classic tale, told in five staves (as Dickens called them). The fifth stave, The End of It, follows. You can catch up with the story so far here: Stave One, Mensch’s Ghost; and Stave Two, The Ghost of Avarice Past; Stave Three, The Ghost of Arrogance Present; and Stave Four, The Ghost of Austerity Future.

LDV scrooge story

As sketched by Bodz

“Osborne, you are late!” Cameron said sternly. The wretched Chancellor mumbled …

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A Christmas Carol. Stave Four: The Ghost of Austerity Future

LibDemVoice is delighted to bring you A Christmas Carol, a contemporary re-imagining of Charles Dickens’ classic tale, told in five staves (as Dickens called them). The fourth stave, The Ghost of Austerity Future, follows. You can catch up with Stave One, Mensch’s Ghost, here; and Stave Two, The Ghost of Avarice Past, here; and Stave Three, The Ghost of Arrogance Present, here.

LDV scrooge story

As sketched by Bodz

Osborne stared at the umbrella and blinked. All around him the Olympic stadium was burning and crashing to the ground …

Also posted in Op-eds | Tagged | 2 Comments

A Christmas Carol. Stave Three: The Ghost of Arrogance Present

LibDemVoice is delighted to bring you A Christmas Carol, a contemporary re-imagining of Charles Dickens’ classic tale, told in five staves (as Dickens called them). The third stave, The Ghost of Avarice Past, follows. You can catch up with Stave One, Mensch’s Ghost, here, and Stave Two, The Ghost of Avarice Past, here.

LDV scrooge story

As sketched by Bodz

Osborne was struggling to keep warm on a deserted platform at Corby rail station. He dare not sleep, for fear of imagining yet again the Ghost of Avarice Past that …

Also posted in Op-eds | 2 Comments

A Christmas Carol. Stave Two: The Ghost of Avarice Past

LibDemVoice is delighted to bring you A Christmas Carol, a contemporary re-imagining of Charles Dickens’ classic tale, told in five staves (as Dickens called them). Part One, Mensch’s Ghost, was published yesterday. Here’s the second stave, The Ghost of Avarice Past…

LDV scrooge story

As sketched by Bodz

Osborne sat on the stone bench and shivered. Mensch’s Ghost bothered him exceedingly. “It couldn’t have happened,” he moaned to himself. “There must have been something in that damned Starbucks coffee. Perhaps it is a revenge for my tax crackdown. Bah! Starbucks!”

Very …

Also posted in Op-eds | 2 Comments

A Christmas Carol. Stave One: Mensch’s Ghost

Over the next five days LibDemVoice is delighted to bring you A Christmas Carol, a contemporary re-imagining of Charles Dickens’ classic tale, told in five staves (as Dickens called them). Here’s Part One, Mensch’s Ghost…

LDV scrooge story

As sketched by Bodz

Osborne was a very grumpy person indeed. Why on earth had the Italian economy decided to implode just days before Christmas? The crisis had kept him chained to his desk long after the rest of the cabinet had fled London. “Curse Berlusconi!” he muttered as his taxi crawled through the …

Also posted in Op-eds | 6 Comments

From today’s Lib Dem News

By Howard of Lib Dem News

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From today’s Lib Dem News…

Also posted in News | Tagged | 2 Comments

From today’s Lib Dem News

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From today’s Lib Dem News

“And I thank Big Chief Boris and all his tribe for their gestures of support…”

By Howard from Liberal Democrat News

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Opinion: Three-in-one leader’s speech

Editor’s note: This composite leader’s conference speech was written last Thursday, well before Andrew Rawnsley published a similar piece.

Today we gather in a generic city with a bit of regeneration.

It is good to get out of the Westminster bubble.

It’s hard being outside the bubble.

Some people outside the bubble don’t like us.

Also posted in Conference and Op-eds | 12 Comments

From today’s Lib Dem News

“We’re still compassionate, I still say “Hug a hoodie” – but you can blow their brains out if you find one in your house after midnight…”

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Nick Clegg’s autotuned apology viewed 1.8 million times

Not only has the charity single version of Nick Clegg’s tuition fees pledge apology been the surprise hit of the year, entering the Top 40 download chart, but The Poke‘s video has now been viewed more than 1.8 million times on YouTube.

From The Wall blog:

James Herring, of PR firm Taylor Herring which worked with the The Poke on the autotuned story (and has done since The Poke launched two years ago), says that Clegg was such an easy target that the opportunity was simply too good to miss.

“We worked through the night to create the mash up

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From today’s Lib Dem News

By Howard of Lib Dem News

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Clegg apology – the view from the man on the Brisbane omnibus

Last night I took an evening off from Liberal Democracy, to enjoy a pie and a pint in one of Hove’s finest hostelries.

At the bar I got chatting to a man who flew, with his family, from Brisbane into the UK last Sunday. I heard his accent and mentioned to him that I had recently been “Down Under”.

He then asked me what I was doing in Brighton and Hove, and I told him.

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Media coverage of Nick Clegg Says I’m Sorry (the Autotune Remix)

The guys at The Poke, staggering into the office after celebrating all their Christmasses coming at once, have put together this compilation of the media coverage of Nick Clegg Says I’m Sorry (the Autotune Remix).

Meanwhile, we understand that in the Lib Dem communications office there has been a reenactment of that scene from “When Harry Met Sally”.

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Conference gossip: “May I stroke you sir?”

From our “ooh missus” correspondent

There is a bizarre aspect of the Procedure adopted by the excellent and friendly security team in Brighton.

Hopefully I am not giving away any state secrets…

When you go through security they have to stroke your photo – three times.

They take your badge and stroke the photo with their finger. Literally.

At the risk of imploding the “ooh missus” connotations of this post, they do it to check whether someone has stuck a second photo over the top of the original …

Also posted in Conference | Tagged | 1 Comment

Hurricane Miriam is in the Pacific

How can she be? She arrived in Brighton yesterday.

Boom! Boom! (as Basil Brush would say).

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EXCLUSIVE: Lib Dem conference surveillance of members’ most intimate moments

LDV was given an EXCLUSIVE tour of the Brighton confence centre this morning, as final preparations were being….er….finalised.

Here, we can EXCLUSIVELY reveal evidence of secret last minute behind the scenes preparations to wire the Gents loo (of the East Bar at the conference centre) for not only sound, but vision also

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  • User AvatarDavid Evans 24th Jul - 4:17pm
    Sadly promoting Liberal Democracy means having more Liberal Democrats out there to promote it in the wider community, be they Councillors, MPs, MEPs, MSPs, AMs...
  • User AvatarJohn McHugo 24th Jul - 4:13pm
    Dav - You say "the Arab League rejected the proposal in 1948, and they haven't changed their minds". It is true that they rejected the...
  • User AvatarChrisB 24th Jul - 4:12pm
    >Can’t you find it in yourselves to credit his leadership with anything at all? It'll be over soon. All other contributions mentioned were Lib Dem...
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    One fundamental problem is that Hamas is to Palestinian politics what the Klu Klux Klan is to American politics. Hamas deliberately uses innocent Palestinians as...
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    David Evershed I have always regarded the Liberal Democrat/Liberal Party as right wing on economic issues and left wing on welfare issues. If that is...
  • User AvatarDave Page 24th Jul - 4:02pm
    I for one am grateful for Nick's consistent support for LGBT+ equality and the work of LGBT+ Lib Dems.