Tuesday sees the culmination of the latest US presidential election. With three days until polling day, Something for the Weekend returns for a one-off video – yes, I did say a video.

The sound you can hear at the beginning is hail – much better to be inside spouting a load of old nonsense for you than being pelted with ice. So make yourself a cup of tea and watch away…

Watch the featured videos in full:

As my roast cooks away in the oven, there’s just time for a quick Something for the Weekend. OK, I’ll probably do this blog post and then start cooking, but it sounded better the other way. Anyway, enough culinary procrastination. Let’s see what this week’s mélange has for us.

Boris wants your lack of expertise

Boris Johnson’s stock is falling, but you can help him out by submitting your design for the new Routemaster bus. This, you’ll remember, is Boris’s popular but expensive and largely pointless project to turn the clock back to the imaginary golden age of the 1950s.

Through the meduim of an exciting-looking website, Mayor Boris invites you to submit your “fun ideas for a future bus design”. In case you’re worried that you know nothing about the subject, the site is ready to reassure you: “No expertise required!”

Good fun though a competition sounds, with a top prize of £25,000 (of taxpayers’ money?), I can’t help wondering if actually getting someone with some expertise might have been a better long-term plan.

In case any of you are thinking of entering, I should warn you that you’ll be up against some stiff competition from yours truly:

I’m afraid Tfl can’t return your drawings.

Meanwhile, in the London Assembly…

Apologies to readers everywhere else, but it’s not time to leave London just yet.

Hampstead and Kilburn PPC Ed Fordham went along this week to see Assembly members put questions on crime and policing to Deputy Mayor Kit Malthouse. With the issue of the estates strategy – and the closure of Hampstead police station – on the agenda, Ed was shocked to see his Assembly Member Brian Coleman (he of the bling and the expenses) leave the room when this was discussed.

As a picture paints a thousand words, Ed captured the moment by photographing Mr Coleman’s empty chair. You can see the photos and read more on his blog.

In the news

The White House has apologised for inadvertently briefing the press that Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi is a political “amateur”, “hated by many” and “one of the most controversial leaders” of a country “known for governmental corruption and vice”.

Afternoon. Welcome to this week’s collection of odds and sods from the twin worlds of Politics and Not-Politics. Just step this way…

If you see Doug, tell him

Labour MP Doug Henderson wants your views – if you’re one of his constituents in Newcastle North.

His household survey is a mix of leading questions (”Should tougher penalties be imposed on those who deal in drugs, blighting our communities and inflicting misery on individuals?”) and absent proofreading (I know, I can talk).

The pièce de resistance, though, is question 6, which I present for your delectation:

Meanwhile, in Tyne Bridge…

Doug’s local Labour colleague David Clelland, the MP for Tyne Bridge, also takes an unorthodox approach to dealing with his constituents’ voting intentions.

In a textbook example of the drawbacks of the safe seats producted by the first-past-the-post electoral system, 23-year MP Mr Clelland responded to criticism from a constituent thus:

I accept your offer not to vote for me again [...] I do not want your vote so you can stick [it] wherever best pleases you.

The constituent in question, IT salesman Gary Scott (who was around four years old when David Clelland became an MP), had written a letter to Mr Clelland complaining that he was supporting an out-of-touch and authoritarian government.

You can read the full exchange on Paul Walter’s blog.

Book him, Dannie

Wales’s culture minister Rhodri Glyn Thomas took a leaf out of Terry Wogan’s book this week when he announced the wrong winner of the Wales Book of the Year award – before announcing the correct winner, 84-year-old writer and poet Dannie Abse, for his memoir The Presence.

Another gong for Vince

While we’re on the subject of awards, congratulations to our Shadow Chancellor and Deputy Leader Vince Cable who was recognised again this week for his sterling work.

It’s taken all day for me to get over last night’s Doctor Who cliffhanger. So now that’s done, let’s get on with this.

Beanz Meanz Bigotz

Heinz have got themselves lots of free publicity this week by first releasing and then withdrawing this ad:

So the controversy surrounds the footage of a man kissing a man – or, rather, a man kissing a woman played by another man. 207 outraged idiots complained to the Advertising Standards Authority, under the impression that if their kids saw the ad they’d have to explain homosexuality to them. Perhaps they should ask their kids to explain the ad to them as they’d clearly missed the point.

Heinz now face the embarrassment (aka more publicity) of more people complaining about their pulling of the ad than complained about it in the first place. In their attempt to avoid losing business from a minority of vocal homophobes, the food giant risks losing the custom of, well, people with brains.

Hurrah for the tenacious Nick Clegg for writing to Heinz thusly:

The decision to withdraw it has not only offended many gay, lesbian, transgender – and straight – people, it also represents a backward step in attempts to combat homophobia in Britain today, not to mention a collective loss of humour.

I am asking you to reverse this decision and reinstate the advert.

(The Daily Mash reports: Television to be controlled by 200 latent homosexuals)

They should have been more discreet

Kissing on TV is, of course, a very good way for gay men to draw attention to themselves – so exactly the kind of thing the Home Secretary helpfully recommends to those in Iran.

Responding to a letter from our own Lord Roberts of Llandudno, who has called for a moratorium on deportations to Iran for all who fear execution, Jacqui Smith dismissed the idea that sexuality alone was an issue:

Good evening and welcome to this week’s Something for the Weekend. Allons-y…

There’ll be bluebirds over…

Tory MEP Den Dover has been back in the news again amid claims that he bought two BMWs using parliamentary expenses. He’d already been accused of channelling public money into a company run by his wife and daughter. Fellow Conservative MEP Giles Chichester has also been accused of paying hundreds of thousands of pounds of expenses to a family business.

Most important in this, of course, is that we get more of Den Dover in the news and the chance to hear his great name over and over again.

In the news

Following on from last week’s news about top secret documents being left on a train, annoying minister Hazel Blears has had a computer containing “restricted government information” stolen from her constituency office.

A United airline flight from Salt Lake City to Denver was cancelled after the pilot was left too upset to fly by an argument about his hat.

It’s been an exciting week in the Westminster Village, with MPs pulled this way and that (it was the annual Commons-Lords tug of war) and a shocking House of Commons resignation (Andrea Simmons has stood down after fifty-six years as chair of the Palace of Westminster Parking Regulations Committee). Oh, and Haltemprice and Howden MP David Davis (a man from the Paddy Ashdown school of BEING ABLE TO KILL YOU WITH ONE FINGER) has announced he’s going to fight a by-election in his own seat on the issue of 42-day detention without charge. So welcome to Something for the Weekend’s 42-Day Seaside Special.

The answer to the ultimate question of pre-charge detention

Members of Parliament voted this week to give police the right to lock up terrorist suspects for up to six weeks. There was a distinct smell of pork barrel politics in the air as the nine Democratic Unionist Party MPs voted with Government – turning a potential loss by nine votes in a majority of nine for Gordon Brown. The DUP insisted they voted on principle, but it’s not entirely clear which principle.

Despite the excitement of a power cut in this bit of south London earlier on, this week’s Something for the Weekend is here. Right here. Just carry on reading from here.

We’re all going on a summer weekend of enforced Britishness

Labour Minister Liam Byrne put his foot in it with the Scots this week, being forced to backtrack before he’d even made the speech he was promoting.

He had floated the idea of turning the August Bank Holiday into the festival of Britishness Fife MP Gordon Brown’s been so keen on – and what could be more Labour than attempting to …

The Crewe and Nantwich by-election has been and gone but there are still stories to tell. And here they are (thanks again to Tim Harkchild), with assorted other bumpf in your mostly-weekly Something for the Weekend.

The by-election’s been and gone
But thoughts of it still linger
A dog behind a letterbox
Has anyone seen my finger?

Saying different things in different places

The Chancellor borrowed £2.7 billion on behalf of the UK as he attempted to convince the people of Crewe and Nantwich to vote Labour. While in London the Government was denying that this was a “by-election bribe”, the party’s own leaflets in Crewe …

With polling day in the parliamentary by-election just five days away, there’s an extra Crewe and Nantwich slant to this weekend’s collection of random stuff (with thanks to Tim Harkchild for emailing from Crewe). So if you’re sitting comfortably, we’ll begin.

Leaders on the line

Nick Clegg and David Cameron both returned to Crewe on Wednesday, and both were affected by train problems. It was Nick, though, who was doing a phone-in on Radio Stoke when this was mentioned and quickly pointed out that it was Cameron’s party that privatised the railways.

DC himself had been on Radio Stoke a few days earlier, …

We’re back after the parliamentary recess and positively brimming with news, so let’s jump right in.

Tony Blair, Fare Dodger

Former president Tony Blair has been caught on the Heathrow Express without a ticket. He was, as the First Post puts it, “doing a Queen” and travelling with no cash or cards, but had forgotten the £24.50 pocket ticket money that an aide had given him.

Heathrow Express said that even former prime ministers – including Blair, who opened the £550m Heathrow Express service in 1998 – must pay for the train service. “Our policy is that everyone pays regardless of who they are.”

So, of course, the ticket inspector waived the fare and let the cash-strapped former PM travel for free.

Cheerio!

David Cameron whipped out one of the most awful puns ever committed to Hansard this week.

There’s snow outside and protesters on the streets, which must mean that it’s time for Something for the Weekend. I have a cold, so apologies for any typos.

Carrying the Something for the Weekend torch today: baggage handlers; overage drinkers; the Egg McMuffin man; taxpayers’ money; and more!

» Good Week

It’s been a good week for me. From the beginning of the new financial year, which is today, I get a small income tax cut. Thanks, Gordon. The biggest winners, though, are those earning around £35k.

It’s been a less good week for those earning under around £18,000, who will see the amount of tax they pay go up in order to fund the tax cuts of people who earn much more. See, Labour do believe in redistribution – just not in the traditional direction…

Dreary weather outside: check. Nice cup of tea and some biscuits: check. ABBA: The Definitive Collection on random shuffle: check. Then let’s rock and roll.

Loading up on the Something for the Weekend DVD player today: Norman Baker gets musical; MPs bring the pork home; flippertygibbets; a couple of bears; and more!

Welcome to Something for the Weekend, which this week comes to you live from Production Office 1 in the Artists’ Village, deep in the heart of Liverpool’s new Arena and Conference Centre.

On the Something for the Weekend speakers’ podium today: bikinis; a liberal singalong; the steam pipe trunk distribution venue; and more!

Welcome to this week’s fun-packed Something for the Weekend, looking back over the last week from a Liberal Democrat perspective with a squint glint in our eye.

Storming out of the Something for the Weekend chamber today: two by-elections in Louth; more from HMRC; witches, prostitutes and charlatans; and more!

Hello from Llandudno, North Wales, where you find me wi-fi-ing away in Venue Cymru, the conference centre currently hosting the Welsh Liberal Democrats’ spring conference.

Rare bits in today’s innuendo-packed Something for the Weekend from Wales: Jenny Willott’s future; David Steel’s past; Nick Clegg’s tongue; Vince Cable’s underwear; and more!

As the Police seem to have forgotten the Wilson doctrine recently, I’ve decided to overlook the Monkhouse doctrine which bans bugging of comedians. As a result, all of the humour in this week’s Something for the Weekend was stolen from Joe Pasquale’s latest script meeting. As a result, this week’s Something for the Weekend is not funny.

In the Something for the Weekend serious selection box today: Nick Clegg gets international; Bigfoot gets interplanetary; Boris Johnson gets fingered; and more!

» Good Week

It’s been a good week for fans of Afflecks Palace in the centre of Manchester, whose future seems to have been secured. The lease on the shopping emporium was due to expire later this year, but new landlords Bruntwood have struck a deal to keep it trading, according to the Beeb:

In a joint statement, Bruntwood and Afflecks’ management team said: “After 26 years of trading, Afflecks management has sold their company to Bruntwood in an agreement that protects the future of Afflecks.

“Bruntwood will manage Afflecks while they look for a new owner.”

A Bruntwood spokesman added: “Never in our 30-year history have we bought one of our customer’s businesses but Afflecks is a Manchester icon that we wanted to protect.

“We aren’t however expert in managing markets, so will look for a suitable long-term owner.”

» Bad Week

It’s been a bad week for “Oven” Mitt Romney, who has abandoned his bid for the White House. In a relatively poor showing on Super Tuesday, he lost out in particular to frontrunner Senator John “Oven Chip” McCain. Arkansas Governor Mike “Fire and Brimstone” Huckabee remains in the race.

Pop fact: Mitt Romney’s father George launched his own presidential campaign in 1967. He didn’t win.

I was planning to pay my son thousands of pounds of public money to write this week’s Something for the Weekend for me. Unfortunately, he didn’t do any of the work. And then I remembered that I don’t have a son. Or access to thousands of pounds of public money. So I done it all myself.

In the Something for the Weekend swag bag today: Boris overlooks 32 small things; Ken asks the questions; Derek says sorry; another cheap Peter Hain gag; and more!

» Good Week

It’s been a good week for those like me who hate “credit-squashing” on TV shows. The BBC has followed ITV by shrinking programme credits into the corner of the screen so that it can plug other programmes. But the credits are so small as to be illegible, which defeats the point of showing them at all.

The good news is that the BBC said yesterday that it would review the situation following complaints from viewers that the names of cast and crew members are now too small to read.

Tiny credits join irritating and entirely redundant on-screen channel logos in my list of modern TV annoyances.

» Bad Week

Derek Conway MP hasn’t had the best week. First he was suspended from the Commons and ordered to return thousands of pounds of public money paid to his younger son; then payments to his elder son were brought into question; Dave Cameron flip-flopped and, having said Conway had been punished enough, decided a day later to withdraw the Tory whip; Conway faces a possible police investigation; and he’s had to announce that he’ll stand down at the next general election. But he can at least look forward to take £60k a year of taxpayers’ money until then.

The BBC reports a Westminster Village gag:

Derek Conway has announced he’s going to stand down as a MP in order to spend more time with his staff.

Welcome to January’s final Something for the Weekend, which comes this week from a kebab shop in Peckham. Fortunately it has wi-fi. And is hypothetical.

In the Something for the Weekend closet today: the smell of Barack Obama; the fetishes of a Labour MP; the women playing with balls; and more!

» Good Week

It’s been a good week for the Prince Muhammad bin Fahd University’s female football team. They won a rare inter-college women’s football match in Saudi Arabia on penalties in front of a large female-only crowd in the university’s stadium.

According to Alarabiya.net:

The match is the biggest such event hosted by Prince Muhammad bin Fahd University and the first ever to see the home team playing against another team from Riyadh. The University has introduced women football some 18 months ago.

Suggestions that 16 of those 18 months were spent explaining the off-side rule are not to be entertained.

» Bad Week

Before we pick this week’s poor soul, it’s only right we spare a thought for the man who graced this section just two weeks ago. Yes, Peter Hain has shuffled off to spend more time with his lawyers, and has been replaced as Secretary of State for Work and Pensioners by James Purnell, whom you may remember from such blogs as this one. (James Purnell’s reaction to his promotion? Speechless.)

Tempting thought it is to give Mr Hain a second starring role, I’m going to risk reprisals from her minder to declare Home Secretary Jacqui Smith this week’s unfortunate. When she isn’t sneaking off to Peckham with her bodyguard for a (donor?) kebab at teatime or labelling a large chunk of the population as not-we, she’s trying to justify bad laws by inventing new words:

It won’t be hypothetical if and when it occurs. We are not legislating now on the basis that we are bringing it in now for something that might happen in the future; we are bringing it in now for something that might happen in the future; we are bringing in a position for if it becomes unhypothetical.

Another one for the New Labour Doublespeak Dictionary.

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Something for the Weekend comes this week from my secret bunker, where I’m hiding from Lord Rennard.

A group of Lib Dem colleagues and friends went on a birthday trip clay pigeon shooting yesterday where I broke the cardinal rule of office politics: don’t beat the boss. And saying Chris Rennard is a little bit competitive is like saying David Cameron is a little bit posh or Peter Hain is a little bit orange. Last I heard, the chief exec was enquiring whether duelling is allowed in the House of Lords.

Freshly shot for Something for the Weekend today: David Heath gets photographed; Hasbro gets 11 points, or 33 on a triple word score; Jack Straw gets Sarkasm; and more!

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (5.1MB)

Recess is over, Parliament has returned from its Christmas break, and so has Something for the Weekend. Thank goodness it’s Saturday. You find me relaxing on a beach, sipping a mojito and catching some rays. And not in Cowley Street, oh no.

In the Something for the Weekend goody bag today: we reveal the secret of Hillary Clinton’s problems in Iowa; we discover Yorkshire England Area; a plethora of chickens; and more!