Vince Cable speaks to the adoring masses… and Liberal Democrat Conference…

And we go to our commentary team at Liberal Democrat Conference as kickoff approaches…

Thank you, and welcome to the Sage, here in Gateshead. As the home supporters take their seats for this afternoon’s critical six-pointer, I can confirm that controversial midfielder, Vince Cable will be taking his usual place in the line-up this afternoon.

So, settle down with a cold beer (priced accordingly to combat binge drinking), for our live commentary on this Premier League fixture, Liberal Democrats versus the Undeserving Rich…

And as a warm-up, I can confirm that the Saving the NHS – Shirley Williams motion has been taken up as tomorrow’s emergency debate, a last minute winner being decisive there.

And a huge round of applause as the teams take the field…

Vince opens with a nice pass and move, referring to last year’s reports of his secret thoughts on Murdoch, and this year”s secret thoughts on economic strategy.

Some lovely flowing play from the midfield general, bringing in local boy Ian Swales, evoking some of the highlights from the midweek fixture in Geneva.

And there’s a firm tackle on red tape and bureaucracy, cutting out that opposition attack, highlighting how encouraging enterprise is good for the country.

This display of continental-style economics is really enthusing the crowd, welcoming foreign investment to create jobs and opportunities for British workers, synthesising the best of the Anglo-Saxon and continental business models.

Switching play across the field, Vince touches on manufacturing policy, emphasising our strength in technology, especially in SME’s. The investment by regional growth funds has been invaluable, he notes.

Probing the heart of the away defence, an attack on the failure of the banks to lend, to support investment in those emerging technologies. Financial markets have failed, and there is a vital role for government in freeing up investment, for example through the Green Investment Bank.

And a shot on goal, as Vince talks of breaking up the banks, separating the casino banking from retail banking, as the crowd applauds. Real pressure on Rich Banker in the away goal, as Vince attacks the big bonus culture.

One-nil, Vince scores! As full-time approaches, A flowing move across the park, as Vince calls for a fairer tax position and declares, “That’s why I’m a Liberal Democrat”.

The crowd are on their feet! And the final whistle goes, Liberal Democrats 1, Undeserving Rich 0. And back to the studio…

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  • Pulp Quango 10th Mar '12 - 4:28pm

    I’ll make some predictions here and now on the subject of the budget. The 50% higher rate will go. There will be no “Tycoon tax”, and as signalled by the Treasury, no “Mansion Tax”. Going further there will be no benefit or slender benefit in the budget for those at the lowest deciles for earnings, or indeed on welfare benefits. The rich will be rewarded and the loopholes in the contorted tax laws will go unexamined.
    Looking into my crystal ball on NHS Welfare reform, despite Lib Dems in a sample being opposed to the reforms 2-1 the legislation will pass unsullied by further change. Especially since the debate scheduled for Sunday has been dropped to avoid embarrassing the leadership.

    Finally my crystal ball tells me that Shirleys quote, “All of you know that the media do not recognise that we have a uniquely democratic conference in the Lib Dems, one where we do ask our members to come and deal with us, talk with ministers. And I deeply resent that kind of statement.” will be carved on the party tombstone after the next election.

    Talking of embarrassment, have you any clue how much like a North Korean press release the headline on this article reads……

  • Pulp: I think you may have missed the joke in the headline 🙂

  • Pulp Quango 10th Mar '12 - 5:14pm

    You may be right. I think my sense of humour has failed….. Then again…….

  • Mark valladeres

    There are many vulnerable humans in this country who are not having fun as they see their jobs going, benefits denied, legal aid denied, homelessness, excessive tuition fees and the destruction of the NHS. Never mind, go and have a drink at the bar.

  • Andrew Suffield 11th Mar '12 - 7:59am

    Especially since the debate scheduled for Sunday has been dropped to avoid embarrassing the leadership.

    What are you talking about? The debate is not only happening this morning, the schedule has been rearranged to make more time for it, and I’m fairly sure that many of the voting reps who cast their ballots on this issue did not have “embarrassing the leadership” on their list of things to consider.

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