Exclusive: Contents of Donald Trump’s safe revealed by Macavity

Newsmoggie is excited to report news from feline colleagues in the United States of America relayed by Larry the Cat. Larry needs no introduction to British audiences, but for readers overseas Larry is the Top Cat in Downing Street and has survived longer than all but two or three prime ministers, and probably longer than the next, and the next, and…

The former President, known to himself as the current president, also known as Donald Trump, is alleged to be a fan of the musical Cats, perhaps Andrew Lloyd Webber’s biggest fan. Newsmoggie understands it was Macavity, a somewhat mysterious cat that stars in the Webber extravaganza, that gained entry to Donald Trump’s safe while the FBI were raiding Mar-a-Lago. It is written of Macavity’s more famous ancestor:

“Macavity’s a Mystery Cat: he’s called the Hidden Paw—For he’s the master criminal who can defy the Law.”

There are no official photographs of the current reincarnation of Macavity, but a photo published by Larry the Cat is believed to be the real thing. It looks though like Trump’s hairdresser has been practicing on the pets at Mar-a-Lago:

Newsmoggie can now exclusively reveals to LDV’s avid readers the 11 documents seized by the FBI from the Mar-a-Lago safe:

  1. Storming the Capitol, plans for an annual 6 January celebration riot by Jacob Chansley and others
  2. Guns for Democracy by Bonnie and Clyde, with a foreword by Al Capone
  3. Sinking the Chinese by Growltiger
  4. How to Believe Lies by QAnon, with a forward by Rudy Giuliani
  5. An Idiot’s Guide to TS/SCI and other acronyms, by the [redacted]
  6. The Truth is Out There (Top Secret X-File)
  7. Dummies Guide to Pressing the Nuclear Button
  8. A Compendium of Friends, stamped “forthcoming”
  9. Donald Trump’s Best Quotes, marked “work in progress”
  10. How to Take a Vow of Silence in Court while Gabbing to the Press, by Mad Lord Punt (allegedly a pen name).

The FBI agents also discovered the outline plan for Donald Trump’s bid to return to the White House. This has been returned to the Mad Lord Punt in embarrassment but not before the agents had a crack at playing the eleventh discovery from the safe. Documents seen my Macavity reveal not only that that this jigsaw is to be distributed to all Republican supporters but also that the design brief was KISS – “keep it simple, stupid”:

  1. Where’s Donnie?

 

With passing thanks to T.S. Eliot’s Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats, Larry the Cat and Martin Handford.

* Newsmoggie – bringing you comment from a different perspective

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