Category Archives: Humour

Brexit: the penny drops as Sir Humphrey is wheeled in amidst the “whiff of sexism”

Sir Ivan Rogers, former UK ambassador to the EU, had to have an uncomfortable conversation with the then Prime Minister, Theresa May in 2016. He told her:

…you have made three commitments in good faith to different audiences, but they are not really compatible with each other.

You have said to the Irish, under no circumstances will a hard border be erected across the island of Ireland.

You have said to the Democratic Unionist community under no circumstances will there be divergence from the rest of Great Britain.

And you have said to the right of your own party that you are heading out of the customs union.

Also posted in Op-eds | Tagged , and | 32 Comments

+++Now Sam Gyimah sings “The Land” at Glee Club

Sam Gyimah is the third recent defecting MP to get up on stage this evening at the Glee Club. He said that his wife had told him that under no circumstances should he try to sing. But, bless him, he joined in singing “The Land” as our video below shows. So he is now the third defecting MP to do his initiation and become a proper Liberal.

Also posted in Conference | Tagged and | 22 Comments

+++The first defectors are initiated in the Liberal Glee Club tradition

Live from the Conference hotel:

Sarah Wollaston and Luciana Berger have just had the guts to be subjected to initiation by Glee Club. They got up front to sing a special new version of “‘Twas on a Monday morning…” which has been adapted to the continuous flow of defectors to the party….

Also posted in Conference | Tagged , and | 12 Comments

Labour’s mess – now even Baldrick has run out of cunning plans…

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Ann Widdecombe: “I’m truculent, I’m succulent, I am a star”

With Ann Widdecombe’s adoption as a candidate for the European Parliament by the Brexit party, it seems timely to give another outing for this wonderful sketch by Victoria Wood from her Christmas 2000 one-off “Victoria Wood and all the trimmings”. This was well before Ann Widdecombe left politics for a career in celebrity television, most notably sweeping the floor (literally) on Strictly Come Dancing. So this was quite a prophetic work, and a piece of typically gentle genius by the much-missed Victoria Wood.

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Posters: Always be careful where you put yours…

Tagged | 5 Comments

Friday fun – enjoy Jacob Rees-Mogg being given a history lesson

This is an excerpt from the Commons debate two days ago on the Letwin/Benn proposal to have a series of indicative votes on Brexit.

Jacob Rees-Mogg is wearing an extremely expensive suit and sporting his plummiest accent. He quotes history from the Tudor era, but subsequent events seem to have slipped his mind. He seems to have forgotten a little thing called “The Civil War”.

Fortunately, the self-deprecating, avuncular Oliver Letwin is on hand to give him a history lesson.

My own MP has a substantial supporting role in this video as the twinkly eyes behind JRM.

It is worth getting a cuppa and your favourite dunking biscuit with which to enjoy this priceless exchange….

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Playing Games While Telling

I find telling at a polling station quite fun. The fun is trying to determine how residents are going to vote or how they have voted. In Wokingham, we targeted two Borough wards (which we won): both were gains. We are developing two other wards in Earley for next year. My ward is one of the development wards.

There are two polling stations in my ward, and on polling day I spent most of the day knocking people up, but I also spent some time at the polling stations. The polling station in the west of the ward was inside a library (the status of the library was a matter of some concern during the elections). When residents came in to vote I tried to guess who they would vote for:

Also posted in Local government and Op-eds | 2 Comments

Can you name these three animals? Congratulations! Your cognitive skills could be up there with the US President


I said the other day that the “Fire and Fury” book has lowered expectations about Donald Trump:

When you read of the dysfunction and chaos in his White House, it then comes as a pleasant surprise when you hear Donald Trump stringing a basic, reasonably coherent sentence together without falling over the furniture and dribbling.

Well, this week the results of Trump’s annual medical tests were released. There seems to be considerable relief that his tests, at least according to the lead medic, Dr Ronny Jackson, gave good results. As far as Mr Trump’s cognitive abilities are concerned, Dr Jackson said:

The president is mentally very sharp, very intact.

Tagged | 5 Comments

Brexit impact ████████ likely to be █████████

As we know, the Government has ███████████ fifty-█████ reports covering sectors as diverse as █████████, ███████, ████████ █████ Banking, and Higher ███████████. Understandably, people ██████ in those █████ wanted to know precisely how ████████ they were.

In what has been a regular ████████, the ███████, led by the ████████-in-███████ ████████ ██████ decreed that we mere ████████ were too ███████ ████████ ███████ to ██████ the contents.

So, finally, after months of pointless █████████, the massed forces of ██████, the L█████l Democrats, the Scottish National ██████, and the likelihood of rebel ████████ forced the ██████████ into a humiliating ██████████.

But no sooner were the █████████ out of the ███████ than certain Government figures exposed their ████████, ████████ing to ███████ out of a tight hole.

Lord Callanan, Brexit ████████ in the Lords’ ██████, claimed that while the motion ████████ ██ impact statements, the ███████ had actually █████ ████ ██████ ██████ sectoral analyses. A neat bit of █████████ by the Noble ████.

Also posted in Op-eds | Tagged | 11 Comments

LDV goes truly up north!

Embed from Getty Images

We’d like to quash the rumour that we got fed up with Mark Valladares here at LDV Towers and therefore banished him to the most northerly inhabited archipelago in the world.

There is simply no truth whatsoever in these whisperings.

Seriously, Mark Valladares is a long-standing Liberal Democrat Voice editorial team member. On the team, we really do value his calm, wise and supportive counsel. He is also known as @honladymark on Twitter, and as a Liberal Bureaucrat, Creeting St Peter parish councillor and Liberal globe trotter.

Tagged and | 3 Comments

Willie Rennie – the “secret guilty pleasure” of singer and columnist Michelle McManus


MichelleMcManus2010
Michelle McManus

Winner of Pop Idol 2003, singer, broadcaster, actress and columnist, Michelle McManus must have brought blushes to the cheeks of Willie Rennie with this passage in her Glasgow Evening Times column:

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Tim gets aboard a hovercraft. What could possibly go wrong?

This (above) is a slide show courtesy of Getty Images. Click on the arrows to see all five photos of Tim’s glorious descension into Burnham-on-Sea yesterday

Well, you have to admire the pluck of Tim Farron. As a keen student of Liberal History, I am sure he is aware of the intimate details of Jeremy Thorpe’s 1974 hovercraft adventure. That was the year of two elections – one in February and one in October. In fact, if you ask the great Paul Tyler, he will tell you all about this, because he was MP for Bodmin (but, crucially, not actually “Going Bodmin”) from February to October and then had to wait until 1992 before returning to the Commons as MP for North Cornwall. Jeremy Thorpe was the charismatic leader of the Liberal Party at the time. He hit upon a marvellous idea to campaign to the populace during the summer hiatus before the October election, which was long anticipated.

Also posted in Op-eds | 10 Comments

Liberal Democrat Voice gets over its trauma and moves on

Following a gut wrenching, soul searching, gin-fuelled marathon editorial board meeting, we at Liberal Democrat Voice have an announcement to make.

While we remain dismayed at the result of the Brexit referendum, and even though we can and should be somewhat smug that events so far – the lack of any plan, the collapse of the leave lies, the collapse of the pound, the surrender of the Single Market – have proven us right, we recognise that the people have chosen for all this to happen and we can no longer realistically resist it. We will, therefore, no longer be publishing “remoaner” articles, and instead we will be offering a prize to the best submitted article that can find something positive to look forward to in this god-awful mess.

Furthermore, we do have to accept that Donald Trump won the US election and is the elected leader of the Free World. Whining about post-truth politics isn’t going to change a bloody thing. The American people aren’t stupid. They knew what an egomaniacal loose cannon they were voting for, and we have to accept that this is what politics is about these days. We need to find our own ways to be outrageous, our own post-facts to make up, our own ways, frankly to be more entertaining. So we’ll shortly be announcing a new competition for the most shameless and outrageous self-publicity our readers can come up with, to be judged by Lembit Opik.

Finally we must recognise that the resurgence of populism and hatred over calm ethical reason speaks to the basic needs of the left behind – to have somebody to blame for their problems – and that the problem with liberalism is its failure to identify compelling scapegoats. Every other political movement you can think of beats us on this score: some blame the rich, or the poor, or the Jews or the Muslims, or the English or the French. So let’s not be wusses, let’s find somebody to blame – other than the Brexiters obvs – and get angry about it – in a post-fact, entertaining way..

34 Comments

President Trump’s mode of entrance for his first visit to China?

As a snub, the Chinese once forced President Obama to leave Air Force One via “the ass of the plane“, upon arrival in China

Tagged and | 9 Comments

101 uses for Tony Blair?

Tony Blair says he is considering ways in which he may be of use in returning to UK public life, as reported in an interview write-up in Esquire magazine.

Perhaps he needs our help to suggest ways he could be of use to the public and UK politics in general?

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Philip Hammond: The Tories are the only party who can represent modern Britain …then the camera turned onto the audience

Tagged and | 13 Comments

Nick Clegg to present first episode of new series of ‘Have I got news for you’

Nick Clegg on The Last Leg 4I did wonder if I’d slipped down a rabbit hole when I heard this news.

But, given his acclaimed appearance of The Last Leg and his LBC experience, it is perhaps understandable that ‘Have I got news for you’ have invited Nick Clegg to present the first show of the new series on October 7th. Now that he has been separated from his Deputy Prime Ministerial limo for a while, he is perhaps sufficiently non-establishment enough to provide a bit of grist to the HIGNFY mill.

Tagged and | 18 Comments

Boris is in charge of the country – what could he get up to?

Boris is in charge of the country.

What could he get up?

Tagged | 14 Comments

Obama slow jams the news – the coolest of the cool?

There are not many politicians who could pull this off…



Also posted in LDVUSA | Tagged and | 8 Comments

Was this the funniest moment of the coalition?

Four years ago this week. Enjoy:

Tagged and | 1 Comment

Wounded Liberal Democrats (Canine injury branch) founded #libdemsbiteback

tony and pw2Here’s a photograph of a very special occasion on Friday evening. At Newbury’s Corn Exchange (a venue which may well go down alongside the Norbreck Castle hotel, Blackpool in Lib Dem history) there was the inaugural meeting of Wounded Liberal Democrats (canine injury branch).

Our photo shows Tony Ferguson (eve of poll dog bite in Portsmouth while campaigning for Gerald Vernon-Jackson’s highly successful team) and Paul Walter (dog bite while pushing in a “We called on you today” leaflet in Elizabeth O’Keeffe’s victorious gain from the Tories in Newbury Victoria). These two have over sixty years Liberal party/Liberal Democrat campaigning experience between them (so perhaps they should have known better before annoying my fellow hounds – Newshound)

Also posted in Party policy and internal matters | Tagged and | 16 Comments

2016 prediction: Miriam for LibDem leader

MiriamOK. An apology for bare-faced clickbait, as well as a whole slew of excuses for actually, physically, buying the Daily Mail, are necessary:

  1. I couldn’t find a copy of i or The Times at Nero’s, so I was reduced to reading their free copy of the Daily Mail in a sort of post-modern ironist sort of way.
  2. I saw this “story” and thought it would provide an innocent scintilla of amusement for an otherwise bored LDV reader.
  3. In an attempt at mobile-detox, I had left my mobile at home. I therefore didn’t have a camera to take a pic of the page (right).
  4. I guessed (wrongly) that this story wouldn’t be available online but, anyway, guessed (rightly) that the printed page would “big up” this story more than the online version.
  5. I think this is the first Daily Mail I have bought for several years.
  6. I was otherwise bored.
  7. I was only following orders.
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The #libdemFRIGHTback is go: The 2015 Liberal Democrat Voice Pumpkin Parade

It’s Hallowe’en. It’s dark. The streets are starting to fill with witches, goblins, ghouls, zombies and all sorts of scary creatures.

It’s time for the 2015 Liberal Democrat Voice Pumpkin Parade. What have talented Liberal Democrats round the country been carving? Have a reminder of what they produced two years ago.

Don’t for a minute think that we invented that hashtag, by the way. It came from Lib Dem organiser Alice Megan and it’s for that reason that she’s kicking off our festivities:

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Tim’s new chief of staff and a hangover after a late spring evening drinking with friends

It’s not what you think.

Tim Farron recently introduced his new Chief of Staff, Ben Williams, on these pages:

Ben was the standout candidate and brings a wealth of experience at all levels of the party from council campaigner to Head of Liberal Democrat Whips’ Office and latterly a Special Adviser. Everyone who has worked with him knows his skills and how brilliantly he works under pressure. There were many points over our years in government when I saw Ben, at first hand, make sure the government kept delivering liberal policies under tremendous pressures. He is exactly what our party needs – someone who can help me to help our party grow and thrive.

Ben Williams also has, according to self-publishing website Lulu.com, “always harboured a secret passion for writing.”

Also posted in Books | Tagged and | Leave a comment

Piggate: Miriam González Durántez and a cheeky recipe

mum and sons
The Evening Standard deserve full marks for spotting a certain recipe on a food blog which is run by Miriam González Durántez and her sons.

Tagged | 4 Comments

Politics and gardening

Garden by Emma Nagle (etcher) Flickr CCLPolitics and gardening don’t mix. You need to pay most attention to flowers and vegetables in March and April, when campaigning for the May elections fills your evenings. In June and July you should be watering your vegetables more evenings than not, instead of going out to parish council meetings or encouraging new members. Only in August, when it’s too late to do much more than harvest what came up nevertheless, can the activist give the garden or allotment the attention it needs.

Also posted in Op-eds | Tagged | 12 Comments

From fishing lights to hat boxes

Here at LDV Towers we do get some very odd requests. Many of them are designed for search engine optimisation – using a well visited blog like ours to sneak in links to their own sites in order to push them up the Google rankings. But some are just bizarre marketing.

From China:

This is XXX from XXX LED Limited proudly introduce a new underwater fishing LED light. This is the most successful fish lure attraction ever invented.

Features:
1. Guarantee to catch fish faster and easier due to it’s attractive LED light.
2. Capable to function to the depth of  150 meter (492 feet).
3. Proven to catch Squid, Red snapper, Salmon, Plaice, and etc…
4. No more messy baits and smelly hand.

Please contact me for more details.  Thank you for your time!

7 Comments

Tales from the campaign

election

 

I spotted these two handwritten notes side by side when I was out delivering last week. In case you can’t see this too clearly on your device, they say:

“I will vote for the party who doesn’t waste paper. Give me a leaflet and you’re off the list ..”

“I am undecided. Keep the leaflets coming …”

Ah – a dilemma indeed.

Also posted in Campaign Corner | 4 Comments

++EXCLUSIVE: Details of Tory £12bn benefits cuts & £8bn NHS spending revealed

This morning the Hubble Space telescope discovered the detailed Tory plans for £12 billion of benefits cuts and how they will fund £8 billion of extra NHS spending. The details are in the centre of this remarkable image:

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