Category Archives: Humour

The rise of the poli-bots

With Hollywood actors and writers striking over AI, and many of our favourite TV shows and movies consigned to the cutting room shelf for now, I wanted to draw your attention, dear reader, to the truly serious implications of this – the role of AI in politics.

For those of you who have not been keeping up on the latest scientific literature, this was all foreseen by the writer Michael Crichton in Westworld, his searing firsthand account of how robots replaced cowboys in the American west. Yes, it’s been going on for years, but as long as it was only cowboys, no one cared.

Now AI has come for the creatives who previously had the monopoly on smiling, crying and running away from rampaging dinosaurs, and it’s potentially worse for the politicians who, hitherto, were the only ones capable of delivering their trademark smile, wave and a soundbite.

For these oppressed Hollywood wage slaves, forced to struggle on a mere $20 million per movie, it was enough to drive them out of their e-Limousines and onto the picket line. What will it take to make politicians follow them?

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Old Bodders Political Almanac 2023

None of this is true but some of it could become true, though hopefully not.

January Records

After three prime ministers and 49 secretaries of state in 2022 — and more ministers than Old Bodders can count –  the Conservative Party applies to the Guinness Book of Records for the most changes in political leadership in a year. Party chairman Nadhim Zahawi tells the media: “At least we will have achieved something last year.”

Railway unions announce they will renounce strikes and work overtime to deliver record performance if train companies run well maintained trains to timetable. The train operators refuse saying they are not going to break with a long standing tradition.

February Fantasies

The Health Secretary Steve Barclay, the fourth since the beginning of 2022, announces that rural areas will get better treatment services and ambulance response times will be reduced. BBC R4 offers Barclay a late night comedy slot but ITV poaches him for I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here. Brenda from Bristol tells the Today programme she’s also a celebrity and asks could someone get her out of hospital and into care.

Matt Hancock is confirmed as a contestant on ITV’s Love Island.

Not to be outdone by commercial rivals, the BBC announces a series of Celebrity Castaway. Sue Braverman and Priti Patel are invited to take part but must arrive on the island in rubber dinghies.

Keir Starmer, pressed to raise his profile, announces he is to join the next series of Big Brother saying: “If it’s good enough for George Galloway…”

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Donald Trump makes “beyond parody” major announcement

Donald Trump has said for days that he was going to make a “major announcement”.

After all the waiting – this is it! It has been described by US political commentator Taegan Goddard as “beyond parody”.

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Holiday Oddities

Holiday Oddities

It is bank holiday weekend in the UK. Around the world conflict, droughts, floods and other crises continue unabated. UK government has ground to a halt while the Tories fight amongst themselves unwilling to recall parliament and unable to govern. To get away from that as much as we can, here at Lib Dem Voice Towers we have been looking at recent silly season stories. Some are funny, some stupid, some sad, some tending on the serious and some very scary.

In compiling this compendium, we have consulted with Larry, the No 10 cat. He says that if the prime minister had not been on a one jolly after another, he could have kept the country laughing for weeks. Larry is of the opinion that it is the job of a prime minister to keep us all amused, which is why Teresa May didn’t last long.

If you have your own silly season stories, whether political or not, please add them to comments.

Also posted in Op-eds | Tagged | 4 Comments

Exclusive: Contents of Donald Trump’s safe revealed by Macavity

Newsmoggie is excited to report news from feline colleagues in the United States of America relayed by Larry the Cat. Larry needs no introduction to British audiences, but for readers overseas Larry is the Top Cat in Downing Street and has survived longer than all but two or three prime ministers, and probably longer than the next, and the next, and…

The former President, known to himself as the current president, also known as Donald Trump, is alleged to be a fan of the musical Cats, perhaps Andrew Lloyd Webber’s biggest fan. Newsmoggie understands it was Macavity, a somewhat mysterious cat that stars in the Webber extravaganza, that gained entry to Donald Trump’s safe while the FBI were raiding Mar-a-Lago. It is written of Macavity’s more famous ancestor:

“Macavity’s a Mystery Cat: he’s called the Hidden Paw—For he’s the master criminal who can defy the Law.”

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Fantasy dinner party – who would be your guests?

On Monday, the Conservatives held their summer party fundraiser. The top lot was dinner with Boris Johnson and his rivals Theresa May and David Cameron. The Dinner of the Century – so-called to avoid inviting Johnson critic John Major – went for £120,000 to a donor who appears to be too embarrassed to be named publicly.

Setting aside the important point that it is somewhat sick to splash out £120,000 on a dinner when the money could have been more usefully donated to foodbanks, the event has got Newsmoggie thinking.

Who would you select as your guests at your own Dinner of the Centuries? Note the plural here. You are allowed to invite people whose public role was in the last century and even fantasise about inviting long dead people.

Please include a brief explanation for your choice. No essays please!

The best entries will receive an appreciative purr from Newsmoggie.

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Confessions of a first time virtual conference speaker – Where’s the bar?

I can’t claim that this is my first Liberal Democrat conference – by a long chalk (snort!). That was back in 1992ish. And I think I made my first conference speech then (or shortly afterwards).

But last night was quite exciting. I attended my first virtual Liberal Democrat conference and made my first virtual conference speech.

I have to say that I was very impressed indeed by the whole set-up. Well done to Geoff Payne and the team for an excellent job putting it on!

It’s just like attending a “terrestial/physical” conference except for the absence of a certain essential facility – of which, more later.

I haven’t spoken at conference for a while. In fact, I think the last time I spoke was in 2013 when we rejected the idea of an automatic block on internet pornography.

Also posted in Conference and Op-eds | Tagged | 4 Comments

Brexit: the penny drops as Sir Humphrey is wheeled in amidst the “whiff of sexism”

Sir Ivan Rogers, former UK ambassador to the EU, had to have an uncomfortable conversation with the then Prime Minister, Theresa May in 2016. He told her:

…you have made three commitments in good faith to different audiences, but they are not really compatible with each other.

You have said to the Irish, under no circumstances will a hard border be erected across the island of Ireland.

You have said to the Democratic Unionist community under no circumstances will there be divergence from the rest of Great Britain.

And you have said to the right of your own party that you are heading out of the customs union.

Also posted in Op-eds | Tagged , and | 32 Comments

+++Now Sam Gyimah sings “The Land” at Glee Club

Sam Gyimah is the third recent defecting MP to get up on stage this evening at the Glee Club. He said that his wife had told him that under no circumstances should he try to sing. But, bless him, he joined in singing “The Land” as our video below shows. So he is now the third defecting MP to do his initiation and become a proper Liberal.

Also posted in Conference | Tagged and | 22 Comments

+++The first defectors are initiated in the Liberal Glee Club tradition

Live from the Conference hotel:

Sarah Wollaston and Luciana Berger have just had the guts to be subjected to initiation by Glee Club. They got up front to sing a special new version of “‘Twas on a Monday morning…” which has been adapted to the continuous flow of defectors to the party….

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Labour’s mess – now even Baldrick has run out of cunning plans…

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Ann Widdecombe: “I’m truculent, I’m succulent, I am a star”

With Ann Widdecombe’s adoption as a candidate for the European Parliament by the Brexit party, it seems timely to give another outing for this wonderful sketch by Victoria Wood from her Christmas 2000 one-off “Victoria Wood and all the trimmings”. This was well before Ann Widdecombe left politics for a career in celebrity television, most notably sweeping the floor (literally) on Strictly Come Dancing. So this was quite a prophetic work, and a piece of typically gentle genius by the much-missed Victoria Wood.

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Posters: Always be careful where you put yours…

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Friday fun – enjoy Jacob Rees-Mogg being given a history lesson

This is an excerpt from the Commons debate two days ago on the Letwin/Benn proposal to have a series of indicative votes on Brexit.

Jacob Rees-Mogg is wearing an extremely expensive suit and sporting his plummiest accent. He quotes history from the Tudor era, but subsequent events seem to have slipped his mind. He seems to have forgotten a little thing called “The Civil War”.

Fortunately, the self-deprecating, avuncular Oliver Letwin is on hand to give him a history lesson.

My own MP has a substantial supporting role in this video as the twinkly eyes behind JRM.

It is worth getting a cuppa and your favourite dunking biscuit with which to enjoy this priceless exchange….

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Playing Games While Telling

I find telling at a polling station quite fun. The fun is trying to determine how residents are going to vote or how they have voted. In Wokingham, we targeted two Borough wards (which we won): both were gains. We are developing two other wards in Earley for next year. My ward is one of the development wards.

There are two polling stations in my ward, and on polling day I spent most of the day knocking people up, but I also spent some time at the polling stations. The polling station in the west of the ward was inside a library (the status of the library was a matter of some concern during the elections). When residents came in to vote I tried to guess who they would vote for:

Also posted in Local government and Op-eds | 2 Comments

Can you name these three animals? Congratulations! Your cognitive skills could be up there with the US President


I said the other day that the “Fire and Fury” book has lowered expectations about Donald Trump:

When you read of the dysfunction and chaos in his White House, it then comes as a pleasant surprise when you hear Donald Trump stringing a basic, reasonably coherent sentence together without falling over the furniture and dribbling.

Well, this week the results of Trump’s annual medical tests were released. There seems to be considerable relief that his tests, at least according to the lead medic, Dr Ronny Jackson, gave good results. As far as Mr Trump’s cognitive abilities are concerned, Dr Jackson said:

The president is mentally very sharp, very intact.

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Brexit impact ████████ likely to be █████████

As we know, the Government has ███████████ fifty-█████ reports covering sectors as diverse as █████████, ███████, ████████ █████ Banking, and Higher ███████████. Understandably, people ██████ in those █████ wanted to know precisely how ████████ they were.

In what has been a regular ████████, the ███████, led by the ████████-in-███████ ████████ ██████ decreed that we mere ████████ were too ███████ ████████ ███████ to ██████ the contents.

So, finally, after months of pointless █████████, the massed forces of ██████, the L█████l Democrats, the Scottish National ██████, and the likelihood of rebel ████████ forced the ██████████ into a humiliating ██████████.

But no sooner were the █████████ out of the ███████ than certain Government figures exposed their ████████, ████████ing to ███████ out of a tight hole.

Lord Callanan, Brexit ████████ in the Lords’ ██████, claimed that while the motion ████████ ██ impact statements, the ███████ had actually █████ ████ ██████ ██████ sectoral analyses. A neat bit of █████████ by the Noble ████.

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LDV goes truly up north!

Embed from Getty Images

We’d like to quash the rumour that we got fed up with Mark Valladares here at LDV Towers and therefore banished him to the most northerly inhabited archipelago in the world.

There is simply no truth whatsoever in these whisperings.

Seriously, Mark Valladares is a long-standing Liberal Democrat Voice editorial team member. On the team, we really do value his calm, wise and supportive counsel. He is also known as @honladymark on Twitter, and as a Liberal Bureaucrat, Creeting St Peter parish councillor and Liberal globe trotter.

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Willie Rennie – the “secret guilty pleasure” of singer and columnist Michelle McManus


MichelleMcManus2010
Michelle McManus

Winner of Pop Idol 2003, singer, broadcaster, actress and columnist, Michelle McManus must have brought blushes to the cheeks of Willie Rennie with this passage in her Glasgow Evening Times column:

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Tim gets aboard a hovercraft. What could possibly go wrong?

This (above) is a slide show courtesy of Getty Images. Click on the arrows to see all five photos of Tim’s glorious descension into Burnham-on-Sea yesterday

Well, you have to admire the pluck of Tim Farron. As a keen student of Liberal History, I am sure he is aware of the intimate details of Jeremy Thorpe’s 1974 hovercraft adventure. That was the year of two elections – one in February and one in October. In fact, if you ask the great Paul Tyler, he will tell you all about this, because he was MP for Bodmin (but, crucially, not actually “Going Bodmin”) from February to October and then had to wait until 1992 before returning to the Commons as MP for North Cornwall. Jeremy Thorpe was the charismatic leader of the Liberal Party at the time. He hit upon a marvellous idea to campaign to the populace during the summer hiatus before the October election, which was long anticipated.

Also posted in Op-eds | 10 Comments

Liberal Democrat Voice gets over its trauma and moves on

Following a gut wrenching, soul searching, gin-fuelled marathon editorial board meeting, we at Liberal Democrat Voice have an announcement to make.

While we remain dismayed at the result of the Brexit referendum, and even though we can and should be somewhat smug that events so far – the lack of any plan, the collapse of the leave lies, the collapse of the pound, the surrender of the Single Market – have proven us right, we recognise that the people have chosen for all this to happen and we can no longer realistically resist it. We will, therefore, no longer be publishing “remoaner” articles, and instead we will be offering a prize to the best submitted article that can find something positive to look forward to in this god-awful mess.

Furthermore, we do have to accept that Donald Trump won the US election and is the elected leader of the Free World. Whining about post-truth politics isn’t going to change a bloody thing. The American people aren’t stupid. They knew what an egomaniacal loose cannon they were voting for, and we have to accept that this is what politics is about these days. We need to find our own ways to be outrageous, our own post-facts to make up, our own ways, frankly to be more entertaining. So we’ll shortly be announcing a new competition for the most shameless and outrageous self-publicity our readers can come up with, to be judged by Lembit Opik.

Finally we must recognise that the resurgence of populism and hatred over calm ethical reason speaks to the basic needs of the left behind – to have somebody to blame for their problems – and that the problem with liberalism is its failure to identify compelling scapegoats. Every other political movement you can think of beats us on this score: some blame the rich, or the poor, or the Jews or the Muslims, or the English or the French. So let’s not be wusses, let’s find somebody to blame – other than the Brexiters obvs – and get angry about it – in a post-fact, entertaining way..

34 Comments

President Trump’s mode of entrance for his first visit to China?

As a snub, the Chinese once forced President Obama to leave Air Force One via “the ass of the plane“, upon arrival in China

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101 uses for Tony Blair?

Tony Blair says he is considering ways in which he may be of use in returning to UK public life, as reported in an interview write-up in Esquire magazine.

Perhaps he needs our help to suggest ways he could be of use to the public and UK politics in general?

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Philip Hammond: The Tories are the only party who can represent modern Britain …then the camera turned onto the audience

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Nick Clegg to present first episode of new series of ‘Have I got news for you’

Nick Clegg on The Last Leg 4I did wonder if I’d slipped down a rabbit hole when I heard this news.

But, given his acclaimed appearance of The Last Leg and his LBC experience, it is perhaps understandable that ‘Have I got news for you’ have invited Nick Clegg to present the first show of the new series on October 7th. Now that he has been separated from his Deputy Prime Ministerial limo for a while, he is perhaps sufficiently non-establishment enough to provide a bit of grist to the HIGNFY mill.

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Boris is in charge of the country – what could he get up to?

Boris is in charge of the country.

What could he get up?

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Obama slow jams the news – the coolest of the cool?

There are not many politicians who could pull this off…



Also posted in LDVUSA | Tagged and | 8 Comments

Was this the funniest moment of the coalition?

Four years ago this week. Enjoy:

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Wounded Liberal Democrats (Canine injury branch) founded #libdemsbiteback

tony and pw2Here’s a photograph of a very special occasion on Friday evening. At Newbury’s Corn Exchange (a venue which may well go down alongside the Norbreck Castle hotel, Blackpool in Lib Dem history) there was the inaugural meeting of Wounded Liberal Democrats (canine injury branch).

Our photo shows Tony Ferguson (eve of poll dog bite in Portsmouth while campaigning for Gerald Vernon-Jackson’s highly successful team) and Paul Walter (dog bite while pushing in a “We called on you today” leaflet in Elizabeth O’Keeffe’s victorious gain from the Tories in Newbury Victoria). These two have over sixty years Liberal party/Liberal Democrat campaigning experience between them (so perhaps they should have known better before annoying my fellow hounds – Newshound)

Also posted in Party policy and internal matters | Tagged and | 16 Comments

2016 prediction: Miriam for LibDem leader

MiriamOK. An apology for bare-faced clickbait, as well as a whole slew of excuses for actually, physically, buying the Daily Mail, are necessary:

  1. I couldn’t find a copy of i or The Times at Nero’s, so I was reduced to reading their free copy of the Daily Mail in a sort of post-modern ironist sort of way.
  2. I saw this “story” and thought it would provide an innocent scintilla of amusement for an otherwise bored LDV reader.
  3. In an attempt at mobile-detox, I had left my mobile at home. I therefore didn’t have a camera to take a pic of the page (right).
  4. I guessed (wrongly) that this story wouldn’t be available online but, anyway, guessed (rightly) that the printed page would “big up” this story more than the online version.
  5. I think this is the first Daily Mail I have bought for several years.
  6. I was otherwise bored.
  7. I was only following orders.
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