Old Bodders Political Almanac 2023

None of this is true but some of it could become true, though hopefully not.

January Records

After three prime ministers and 49 secretaries of state in 2022 — and more ministers than Old Bodders can count –  the Conservative Party applies to the Guinness Book of Records for the most changes in political leadership in a year. Party chairman Nadhim Zahawi tells the media: “At least we will have achieved something last year.”

Railway unions announce they will renounce strikes and work overtime to deliver record performance if train companies run well maintained trains to timetable. The train operators refuse saying they are not going to break with a long standing tradition.

February Fantasies

The Health Secretary Steve Barclay, the fourth since the beginning of 2022, announces that rural areas will get better treatment services and ambulance response times will be reduced. BBC R4 offers Barclay a late night comedy slot but ITV poaches him for I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here. Brenda from Bristol tells the Today programme she’s also a celebrity and asks could someone get her out of hospital and into care.

Matt Hancock is confirmed as a contestant on ITV’s Love Island.

Not to be outdone by commercial rivals, the BBC announces a series of Celebrity Castaway. Sue Braverman and Priti Patel are invited to take part but must arrive on the island in rubber dinghies.

Keir Starmer, pressed to raise his profile, announces he is to join the next series of Big Brother saying: “If it’s good enough for George Galloway…”

March Lies

After Full Fact rules that the majority of statements by ministers in February contained errors or distortions, the government tables emergency legislation to nationalise the organisation. All Tory MPs vote for the legislation except for Matt Hancock, who tells the Commons as he has only ever told the truth and followed the rules, he has nothing to fear.

April Fools

Sue Braverman announces plan to scrap equality laws saying they are outdated in an age of equality.

The former charity Full Fact announces that in March all ministerial statements were correct.

Just Stop Oil is declared a prescribed terrorist organisation and its members rounded up and sent to Rwanda.

Boris Johnson announces he is to become an aide to President Volodymyr Zelensky telling reporters: “I got Brexit done. I got Covid done. I can get Ukraine done. Now, if you excuse me, I have a party to go to.”

May Elections

ALDC gives candidates for local elections a boost by announcing a partnership with AstraZeneca. It has been recognised for decades that councillors gradually become immune to endless council meetings. This immunity has previously taken years to develop. The ALDC AstraZeneca vaccine will give councillors immunity as soon as they are elected. The record number of Lib Dem councillors elected in this month’s council elections are unavailable for comment as they are taking an unobtrusive snooze during meetings.

June Fakes

President Joe Biden announces he is fed up with people saying he looks old. Speaking in the White House Briefing Room, he announces he will be using deep fake technology in the future to appear more youthful. After all, he tells reporters, Donald Trump has been a deep fake for decades.

July Jinks

Sir Lindsay Hoyle vents his anger on MPs rowdy behaviour in the Commons, telling MPs they had to stop fighting like cats and dogs.

Larry the Cat announces he is to form a new left of centre political party, the Cats United Party (CUP).

Not be outdone, Rishi Sunak and Akshatā Mūrty’s Labrador Nova announces the formation of a right of centre party (Dogs in Politics Party Yes!) to be known as DIPPY.

Sir Lindsay Hoyle tells Radio 4 he welcomes greater diversity in the Commons.

August Austerity

Rishi Sunak announces that due to the need to further tighten the nation’s belt, August will be deferred to 2024. When he is told that this would put the UK out of step with the rest of the world, Ed Davey comments wryly: “Nothing new there then”.

September Sense

After the EU approves its Artificial Intelligence Act, backbench Tory MPs say they desperately need an equivalent act. When it is pointed out the act will restrict the use of AI not promote its use, many MPs seek other jobs.

October Ambitions

Elon Musk announces that Twitter will be moving its headquarters to Moscow telling his followers Russia is the future of world freedom. He sells Space X to Donald Trump, who declares he will be the first President of the Moon as a stepping stone to becoming President of Mars: “I will Make Mars Great Again.”

Joe Biden offers $1 trillion to bring forward a colony on Mars, arguing getting Trump as far away from Earth as possible will be for the benefit of all America.

November at War

President Vladimir Putin announces he will withdraw from Ukraine providing he is awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. When the request is denied by the prize committee, he protests that Henry Kissinger received the Peace Prize while waging war in Cambodia.

President Putin invades China, calling the action a defensive move, while China is busy invading Taiwan.

December Nuts

Angela Rayner is elevated to the House of Lords. In her Maiden Speech, she refuses to apologise for being a maiden, having legs and caring about her body.

Matt Hancock is knighted in the New Year’s Honours for services to Reality TV and for the energetic promotion of unreality.

Boris Johnson is appointed editor of the Telegraph. Cartoonist Matt resigns saying the appointment is beyond parody.

What are your predictions? Try not to be serious please.

* Andy Boddington is a Lib Dem councillor in Shropshire. He blogs at andybodders.co.uk. He is Thursday editor of Lib Dem Voice.

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6 Comments

  • Why are we asked not to be serious?
    If someone had written about the future of our country last year, and it were totally true it would have been seen as being so unbelievable as to be silly.

  • Mel Borthwaite 1st Jan '23 - 11:10am

    Excellent article. My contribution in similar vein…

    October: Denied the right to hold a legal referendum on Scottish independence, Nicola Sturgeon calls for 2 million people to sign a petition demanding that the UK government concedes that power. In response, the pro-Union Scotland in Union organisation launches a petition demanding that a referendum be ruled out for 100 years. Within 3 weeks, Nicola Sturgeon announces that her target has been exceeded while Scotland in Union reports collecting 5000 signatures ‘but the number is still increasing’. The BBC decides to run a news report about the rival petitions but in order to prove their impartiality merely reports that “rival petitions have been collecting signatures and Scotland remains divided”. Rishi Sunak then comments that ‘now is not the time to reconsider the issue as opinion in Scotland remains divided.’ Keir Starmer promises Labour is listening to Scottish voters and that if Labour wins the election he will establish a constitutional commission on the use of petitions.

  • Definitely love Martin’s August. Missed out one detail .. Patriarch Kirill dies after mysterious immolation in his ecclesiastical robes in front of his precious icons.

  • Howard Park 2nd Jan '23 - 11:47am

    Made me smile and I have ripped off the Guinness Book of Records idea for a tweet that is getting a bit of traction!

  • Peter Hirst 3rd Jan '23 - 3:39pm

    Predictions are for fools. Life is too uncertain. However I predict nothing will change except by an act of God, climate change or population pressures. Trends evolve and one factor causing this will be further gender equality that cannot happen soon enough.

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