None of this is true but some of it could become true, though hopefully not.
January Records
After three prime ministers and 49 secretaries of state in 2022 — and more ministers than Old Bodders can count – the Conservative Party applies to the Guinness Book of Records for the most changes in political leadership in a year. Party chairman Nadhim Zahawi tells the media: “At least we will have achieved something last year.”
Railway unions announce they will renounce strikes and work overtime to deliver record performance if train companies run well maintained trains to timetable. The train operators refuse saying they are not going to break with a long standing tradition.
February Fantasies
The Health Secretary Steve Barclay, the fourth since the beginning of 2022, announces that rural areas will get better treatment services and ambulance response times will be reduced. BBC R4 offers Barclay a late night comedy slot but ITV poaches him for I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here. Brenda from Bristol tells the Today programme she’s also a celebrity and asks could someone get her out of hospital and into care.
Matt Hancock is confirmed as a contestant on ITV’s Love Island.
Not to be outdone by commercial rivals, the BBC announces a series of Celebrity Castaway. Sue Braverman and Priti Patel are invited to take part but must arrive on the island in rubber dinghies.
Keir Starmer, pressed to raise his profile, announces he is to join the next series of Big Brother saying: “If it’s good enough for George Galloway…”
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Councillor Martin Allen joins Liberal Democrats from the Greens
Boy the home office tried to deport at 9 wins British chess championship at 17
Clacton ad infinitum
Barry Rhodes 
Peter Martin 
Simon Horsman 
Peter Chambers 
Richard Whelan 