Liberal Democrat Voice gets over its trauma and moves on

Following a gut wrenching, soul searching, gin-fuelled marathon editorial board meeting, we at Liberal Democrat Voice have an announcement to make.

While we remain dismayed at the result of the Brexit referendum, and even though we can and should be somewhat smug that events so far – the lack of any plan, the collapse of the leave lies, the collapse of the pound, the surrender of the Single Market – have proven us right, we recognise that the people have chosen for all this to happen and we can no longer realistically resist it. We will, therefore, no longer be publishing “remoaner” articles, and instead we will be offering a prize to the best submitted article that can find something positive to look forward to in this god-awful mess.

Furthermore, we do have to accept that Donald Trump won the US election and is the elected leader of the Free World. Whining about post-truth politics isn’t going to change a bloody thing. The American people aren’t stupid. They knew what an egomaniacal loose cannon they were voting for, and we have to accept that this is what politics is about these days. We need to find our own ways to be outrageous, our own post-facts to make up, our own ways, frankly to be more entertaining. So we’ll shortly be announcing a new competition for the most shameless and outrageous self-publicity our readers can come up with, to be judged by Lembit Opik.

Finally we must recognise that the resurgence of populism and hatred over calm ethical reason speaks to the basic needs of the left behind – to have somebody to blame for their problems – and that the problem with liberalism is its failure to identify compelling scapegoats. Every other political movement you can think of beats us on this score: some blame the rich, or the poor, or the Jews or the Muslims, or the English or the French. So let’s not be wusses, let’s find somebody to blame – other than the Brexiters obvs – and get angry about it – in a post-fact, entertaining way..

Now we thought for a while about another essay competition to identify the scapegoat for liberals, but when the gin ran out we realised that having three essay competitions is just too much quiche-and-slippers for the new politics, so we decided to tell you the answer, and if you don’t agree, you just need to hire some Russians to hack into the LDV servers and change it. Or leave a comment.

So we’ve decided that the aliens of KIC8462852 – the ones that are building that megastructure 1300 light years away – are responsible for all the mess we are in, and we are going to stand up to them. If they can build a megastructure there, they could build a few houses here, is all I’m saying. If they cared. We are going to build a big wall in space to stop them. Earth for earthlings. Earthlings first. No more interstellar migration or trade deals that destroy Earthling jobs.

Wait, who put that there? And they would say that. Such terrible aliens. So corrupt. Sad!

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This entry was posted in Humour.
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34 Comments

  • Antony Watts 1st Apr '17 - 9:08am

    Agreed. Positive messages, not “oh god what have we done, what have we lost…”

    The main objective is to highlight the tremendous achievements of the EU, its potential future possibilities and our part in them – human dignity, freedom, democracy, equality, the rule of law and respect for human rights. The spread of this to 28 nations of the world. And as a platform for future progress.

    We need to change public opinion, show them the true “wins” they have had through membership, and divert the brexit dragon.

  • Sadly Lib Dem Voice will never get over it and accept the will of 52% of the population on a 75% turnout.

    Whilst the current campaign might be delivering a spattering of by-election results. Come 2020 when we’ve left the EU it won’t be relevant.

    Paul – voted remain FWIW

  • You know the brave Brexiteers will be dancing round high fiving each other singing we are all in it together on the back of this article. They have finally seen sense they will scream, now the EU will give us our cake and a few other slices too they’ll tell each other. As some of them struggle to know which century we are in I think your safe as it’s unlikely they’ll know what day it is.

  • Clearly as the above article exemplifies ( gin-fuelled marathon),alcohol is the bane of our age. Clearly Mother’s Ruin is still doing its damage.
    The Liberal Democrats need to rediscover the virtues of temperance, the backbone of the old Liberal Party. There is the cause against evil.

  • The reference to Lembit Opik was the giveaway.

  • I call Avril Poisson. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • This is ridiculous. You’re calling for the LDs to be *more* reactionary and to “find a scapegoat” because the other parties are better at finding someone to blame? How about you read up on the basics of Liberalism?

  • No everything is controlled from a secret bunker under the grassy knoll. I read it on Wikipedia years ago, but it’s all been removed by the Ancients of Mu.

  • You don’t understand.
    They feed on our brain waves.
    We’ve got to dumb down.
    Stop thinking.
    No big words.
    Donald knows.

  • David Pocock 1st Apr '17 - 11:19am

    I say we blame the gingers to be honest rather than aliens we can’t reach. A lot of work into gingerphobia has been started so we only need to harness and grow what is there rather than build an anti alien narrative.

    I like trump. He has shown me that with enough money and if I sell out to Russia, I to could lie myself into power. Therefore I propose a policy of liar appreciation day where we thank those who lie so we don’t have to think deeply about matters. Think of the time it saves me a year not to need to consider arguments and just go with the lie. I recken 4th of November would be a good date, or some time in May maybe.

    Finally the good side of brexit. Well I recently brought britis4eu.com. I’m hoping once we lose all our rights and really miss our EU citizenship I can make some money marrying Brits to EU citizens. The Brits will get an EU passport and the European will get a hard worker from a second world nation. I just hope we get to keep our cute accents in the negotiations.

  • Richard Underhill 1st Apr '17 - 11:58am

    Spain wants Gibraltar, Johnson of the FO will defend them.
    Uigur in western China are refusing to watch state television.
    Cristiano Ronaldo will go on loan to Sunderland for the last four matches of the season.
    Bournemouth wants England striker Jermain Defoe to become a Cherry.
    Footballers at Leyton Orient are planning to strike, but will play Wycombe.
    Arsenal want a bigger stadium where they can admit fans at lower prices.
    They will look for financial sponsorship by renaming themselves the Woolwich Arsenal.
    Arsene Wenger will see the project through while managing Paris St Germain.

  • Isn’t it traditional to byline this article by Lirpal Loof?

  • Sue Sutherland 1st Apr '17 - 12:35pm

    Glad someone’s still got a sense of humour!

  • Michael Berridge 1st Apr '17 - 12:38pm

    Joking apart … We just aint good enough for Europe … we’ve always been bad Europeans … we’ve just thrown away the best deal we’ll ever get … so stiff upper lip, men, onward into the wilderness!

  • Ha ha, though the state of politics does more or less make satire (and April 1st) pretty difficult.

    There’s nothing to say that the 48% have to keep quiet and swallow it – I suggest that we follow the example of Euro phobes after the previous referendum (i.e. bang on and on about it, forever). Every brexit mistake should be met with ‘told you so’ and every opportunity taken to show the ludicrous brexiters for what they are. Imagine thinking we can have empire 2.0, and that the Europeans will roll over – when the phobes have no plan, no strategy (that isn’t spittle-flecked), no diplomacy …. and didn’t even see the obvious Gibraltar ambush coming! (They also haven’t seen what the SNP are doing to the UK constitution, just wait until the EEA is invoked; and what of the current citizens of NI who prefer EU to U.K. Citizenship … have they no rights?!?) Still, as long as brexiters deliver the agenda of their owners, we get a good trade deal with Gibraltar and the Falklands? it’ll all be fine, won’t it. Oops, don’t mention the Falklands and the EU now ….

    I think we should target the illiberal, fearlessly,and remind the country what an illiberal society looks like. We should not be afraid to name and shame them. No more being respectful Liberals where it comes to defending Liberalism.

  • Ruth Bright 1st Apr '17 - 3:08pm

    Jeremy Corbyn: the fight for the Aliens of KIC846282 starts NOW!

    Paul Nuttall: Political correctness has stopped us from having a true debate about the Aliens of KIC846282.

    Keir Starmer: I have six tests to save the universe, but actually they’re a bit rubbish. Sorry.

  • Tony Greaves 1st Apr '17 - 5:24pm

    I love the first two or three comments! I searched the Guardian this morning for the AF before I found it and came to the view that half a dozen of the real news stories would qualify. What a time.

  • FFS how can grown adults not know the difference between “population” and “voters on the day”.

  • Arnold Kiel 2nd Apr '17 - 6:32am

    After unsuccessfully trying to respond seriously, I looked at the date again. Got me.

  • Paul Murray 2nd Apr '17 - 8:20am

    One hopes that the aliens who are using light sails driven by Fast Radio Bursts (FRBs) to travel through deep space (http://www.space.com/35996-fast-radio-bursts-powering-alien-spacecraft.html) are not affected by the potholes in the interstellar super-highway left unfilled by the galactic council.

  • ๐Ÿ˜‚

    Much truth spoken in jest.

    Except those aliens. I don’t want any of their buggy eyed difference in my neighbourhood. Eating my brains. Accosting my dogs.

    ๐ŸŒ๐Ÿ‡ฌ๐Ÿ‡ง ๐Ÿ˜‰

  • Katerina Porter 2nd Apr '17 - 9:30am

    A Frenchman’s recent comment on their history. First referendum public knows little, second referendum, they have learnt.

  • Robin Grayson 2nd Apr '17 - 9:47am

    For the record, there is a huge bunker under Manchester City Centre. Yes of course I’ve been down it. It is so huge it blocked Manchester’s plans for an underground railway. I took a wrong turn and accidentally passed under Chinatown and ended up in Salford instead of popping out near Gorton. Oh and the name of our bunker is The Guardian. Marylin Munroe and Jane Mansfield are down there too, and still in full working order.

  • Andrea,
    Your entitled to your beliefs, you can campaign to change the parties views, all these options are open to you. What you can’t demand is for me and people like me change our views and go along with this idiocy. I feel Brexit is stupidity on stilts’ and I will continue to point that out. If you feel you have facts not feelings that support your view please put them forward you never know you might change mine and others views. Got to say though it’s not looking good at present all I can see is countries looking to kick us.

  • Robert - Bristol 2nd Apr '17 - 3:12pm

    There are 65 million people living in Britain. In June of last year 17 million of those people voted ‘Leave’ the other 48 million, for various reasons and circumstances, didn’t.

    Sorry Andrea and the Voice but I for one will carry on pointing out that, for instance, the EU has been one of the most successful peace projects ever and that British membership of it is well worth hanging to. As they say it’s not over until it’s over and there is still time, given the chance, for the country to come to its collective senses.

  • nvelope2003 2nd Apr '17 - 3:50pm

    Is it possible that the poor showing in national opinion polls is the result of the party’s emphasis on support for the EU whilst it is doing so well in local elections where the EU is not really an issue ? Maybe all this will fade away by the time we leave the EU and the next election will be fought on the sort of issues the public are most interested in. We must not be a single issue party.

  • Andrew Tampion 2nd Apr '17 - 4:37pm

    frankie
    I don’t think anyone is asking you to change your beliefs: only that you treat those members of our party who have a different view on this matter than you to treat their views with the same respect that you expect for your views.
    The real joke is that so many in our party are unable to accept or even conceive that well educated, intelligent and liberal people can have a different view on the EU than they themselves do.

  • Andrea> ‘Now you have a meeting!!!! well well well.’
    You seem to be getting very upset over an April Fool’s Day post.
    ‘Bullying’ would be bad. Can you supply examples?
    I’m not sure how easy it is to be ‘inclusive’ of two diametrically opposed views.

    nvelope2003> Is it possible that the poor showing in national opinion polls is the result of the partyโ€™s emphasis on support for the EU?
    No. Years of the Tories and Labour, and national press, demonising us for our part in the coalition will take a long time to recover from.
    There are three parties currently supporting Brexit and those opposed to it need someone to represent them.
    It’s the single biggest issue of our time (entirely of other people’s making, so they can’t blame us for talking about it).

    Andrew Tampion: In my experience, Lib Dems having different opinions on a lot of things. As everyone in entitled to. Of course I can conceive that some LD supporters voted Leave. I think you are wrong: that isn’t disrespect, it’s disagreeing.

  • Andrea Clifton,
    I’m a Lib Dem and I voted Leave as well. But. it’s early days and IMO it’s best to sort of absorb the flak with a degree of good humour. At the moment there’s still a lot of denial and whipping of a horse carcass going on.

  • I’m a long-term antiEU Lib Dem. Never felt any antipathy.

  • nvelope2003 3rd Apr '17 - 4:53pm

    CassieB: I was comparing support for the party in the national opinion polls with the relative success in local government by elections and some Parliamentary by elections. The Tory press probaly do us harm as they intend to but I do not hear all that many people complain about the coalition except the extremists online who will never ever give up their Lib “Dum” obsession until they find a new one.

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