Hat-tip and sincere apologies to Master Shakespeare.

In a thunderstorm, three witches [Hazel Blears MP, Jacqui Smith MP & Caroline Flint MP] decide to meet again on the heath “after the deed is done.”

Next, a captain reports to King Dunblair that Macbrown beat MacMajorwald in battle. Darling adds that the Thane of Cawdor was traitorous to them during the battle.

The three witches confront Macbrown and Banqleson (the Dark Lord) on their way home from the battle. They predict that Macbrown will be King of Scotland, and Banqleson, though never King himself, will beget rulers.

The witches leave and Darling informs Macbrown that he has inherited the title Thane of Cawdor (as also predicted by the witches). MacBrown contemplates the prediction of him being King, and wonders if he should help make it happen, and spends much time in thought dithering about the situation.

Miliband (take your pick) reports to King Dunblair that Cawdor admitted his traitorous deeds at his execution. The king then warmly greets Macbrown and Banqleson. To Macbrown’s dismay, King Duncan declares his eldest son, Miliband, Prince of Cumberland (ie, the next king).

At Inverness Castle, Macbrown’s wife tweets of his encounter with the witches and decides that she’ll persuade Macbrown to fulfil his destiny. She then learns that King Dunblair is coming to her castle to stay the night, strengthening her decision to wait until King Dunblair is ready to step down and move on to world peacemaking.

Dunblair eventually resigns (but not before he overtakes the record of Margaret, Queen of Grantham). Which is a bit of a shame because some of the best quotes come from that bit.

After the resignation, Macbrown converses with Banqleson, then, alone, hallucinates that a general election is in front of him. Macbrown meets his wife and tells her of Dunblair’s departure. He also begins hearing voices. Macbrown loses himself in insanity. They return to their chambers as MacMiliband (take your pick) and Harman appear at the castle gates. Macbrown greets them and they ask to see Dunblair. MacMiliband (take your pick) and Macbrown “discover” the absence of Dunblair (who had gone on a US speaking tour).

Dunblair’s sons, Miliband (take your pick) and Lord Woolf, flee, fearing for their own lives. Subsequently, MacMiliband and Darling discuss that all have decided there was a conspiracy (surely not). Consequently, Macbrown is declared king.

At Scotland’s castle (Kirkaldy), Macbrown contemplates how he fears Banqleson may give breed to children (metaphorically speaking) who may overthrow Macbrown. Macbrown sends him to Europe (but not after a few scandals). At dinner, Macbrown imagines he sees Banqleson’s ghost causing his wife to tweet about her concern.

On the heath, The three witches make a brew chanting “double, double, toil and trouble.” Macbeth approaches and asks three questions.

The witches answer: 1. Beware MacMiliband (take your pick), 2. None of woman borne will harm Macbrown, and 3. Macbrown will remain until the Wood come to Dunsinane Hill. Finally, the ghost of Banqleson appears, showing his eight future royal offspring so Macbrown gives him a peerage. MacMiliband (take your pick) has gone to convince the innocent Miliband (take your pick) to join arms against Macbrown. They decide that they wouldn’t win the battle yet, so decided to continue as usual until the battle was lost.

A doctor and servant observe Macbrown’s wife’s sleepwalking and sleep-talking about Dunblair’s departure. The impending battle is discussed. At Dunsinane Castle, (with a valid second home allowance), Macbrown is informed that an army of bad public opinion is near at Birnam wood, In the castle, Macbrown sees to his dismay, that Birnam wood of public opinion is “moving” toward the castle. The army arrives and Macbrown fights.

What will the ending be????

Coming soon: Loves Labour’s Lost
All’s well that ends well.

* Rachel Brown is a Liberal Democrat member.