I receive a fair few phone calls from people wanting to sell the Liberal Democrats the latest / neweset / best technology. So I thought I’d share some tips on how to ring me. Alas, all of these are based on actual events. The worst sales call I can recall managed six of these in one nine minute call of pure joy.
1. If you’re ringing an organisation, it’s a good idea to get its name right. And no, I don’t work for “The Democratic Party”. (If you’ve got any doubts on the importance of this, try ringing M+S to sell something to “Marks and Lewis”.)
2. If you think your service or product would be useful for our party leader, that would be great. But he’s not called “Gordon Brown”. Really.
3. It’s not a good idea to claim you are the only person who can provide X when I’ve already been getting X from another firm for five years.
4. If you’re promoting the virtues of high-quality, personalised communications, it’s probably a good idea to have found out my name before getting in touch. Otherwise it seems a mite, shall we say… discordant.
5. If you’re going to send me a letter promoting the virtues of database cleaning services, it’s not a good idea if the name, job title and address are all wrong. Every time. (The first time I thought this might be a clever piece of direct mail – ‘Isn’t it annoying when people get your name and address wrong? Well now you can get your data checked by us…’ – but no, it was just an error).
6. If you’re making a sales call, it’s a good idea to have an answer to my question, “So what is it that you do that I can’t get from other firms?”
7. Or even “So what is it you do?”
8. Or “So who are you?”. It’s ok, you don’t have to give your inside leg measurement in reply, but no name, no firm, no address does come over a little odd.
9. If I ask “Is this a sales call?”, if you say “no” and then launch into a sales pitch, I’ll probably notice.
10. If I ask you the colour of the carpet in your office, it’s best to tell me. (You do know why I ask, don’t you?)
11. If I ask, “How much is it going to cost?”, I’m not looking for an answer that skips most of the costs.
12. I prefer it if, when you make a call, you have a pen, computer or clerk with amazing memory to hand so that if I give you a piece of information you don’t have to put me on hold for six minutes listening to Chris De Burgh whilst you try to record it somewhere. (Put me on hold listening to Creedence Clearwater Revival though, and you might have a chance.)
13. If you’ve never run an election campaign, aren’t sure what day elections take place and don’t know how long it is between general elections, you may find you don’t persuade me that you know all about how to win the next election and that I should junk everything I’ve learnt.
14. Opposites don’t always attract. Telling me how much you hate politics may not be a wise move.
And with that, my voicemail awaits.
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15. Don’t say “Ah, so there is method to your madness” when I explain why we do something the way we do.
16. Don’t ask to speak to me when I’ve already answered with my name, it’s not a good start.
17. Do get my (and other women’s) title right. Not necessarily first time, but once told should be enough. Special prize to the man who, when I said “I’m not Mrs” said “oh, that’s a shame”.
18. Do make some attempt to listen to what I’m saying. One example, sadly also true: Q. How many cars does your household have. A. None. Q. And how many of them are parked offroad?
19. Do take a hint and bother someone else “that sounds very interesting, but you know who’d really like to hear more about that… Mark Pack’s number is 0207…”
20. Don’t claim that there is some special exemption you have under TPS allowing you to make sales calls to me when you don’t have a pre-existing trading relationship.
Switching from office to home calling, I get a lot of calls for Richard. Favourites have included – when I’ve answered, as usual, that he’s at work – a) carrying on talking to “Mr Flowers” because, despite saying he’s not there, there’s someone speaking so it must be him; b) asking to speak to “Mrs Flowers”; c) asking if I am Mrs Flowers [lowers voice butchly].
Top marks, though, went to Bank X, which rang regularly three times a day for four days, each time being told that he was at work and to call back after a certain hour. On the fourth day, I not only repeated this but told the caller that if I received one more nuisance call from them during the day, I would ask Richard to move his account. Uncannily, where polite requests not to call during the day were never recorded on their database, a threat worked at once.
See also
http://bridgetfox.wordpress.com/2008/03/21/british-gas-dont-call-us/
See, I love sales calls. It feeds my meglomania. I have these people calling me up in supplication, willing to commercially shaft themselves just to make a sale. I possibly shouldn’t give the game away, but:
21. If a customer tells you that a product is being sold by a competitor at a significantly lower price than yours, you should probably check that they’re telling the truth before you lower your price to beat that one.
22. If asked “Where did you get my phone number from”, the answer “the Marketing department”, while perhaps strictly true, is unlikely to help the person you are speaking to.
Particularly if the person you’re calling is the Marketing Department.
So Dr Pack, have you ever tried doing PR for the LibDems? I think it could be just the job you’re looking for…
OK, I’ll bite… what’s the deal with the carpet question?
23. When your company phones me up once every two months, I may notice that you don’t just want to “update my details” but are trying to sell me something. Please just get on with it.
24. If you have a number of separate clients in a federal organisation, like the Lib Dems, give all of those to the same call centre operator(s), so we don’t have to run through the same bloody conversations every time (“I don’t care that version X3 comes with thousands of templates, I won’t be using your school fete templates to make Lib Dem leaflets”, etc)
Serif, of PagePlus fame, should take particular note of these two.
Plus I’d also really like to know the answer to the carpet question
“If you’re going to send me a letter promoting the virtues of database cleaning services, it’s not a good idea if the name, job title and address are all wrong.”
Do you think that the Royal Mail might just have delivered someone else’s post to you that day?
Stuart: sufficient fragments of the name and address were correct, that I could pretend to be a forensic examiner and work out who is was really intended for, viz me.
Carpets: come on, you all can do better than that…
Carpets – is it, perchance, that you know what colour the carpets are in Millbank & Victoria Street? 🙂
Are you a particularly anal member of parliamentary staff and get fidgety if someone is standing on the wrong coloured carpet?
Ok, it’s something to do with whether they hesitate or not? Because if they have to switch back to the “real world” to answer your question, then it means they’re an unconvinced salesperson putting on an act to make the call?
It’s because the guy operates out of a Wetherspoons pub with an eesicleen floor…
I believe Dr. Pack’s carpet question is easily explained by his involvement in the League Against Cruelty to Call Centre Workers.
It is a sad trend in recent years that many call centre jobs have been exported from their natural homes in Sheffield and Haringey to parts of the world where labour and workplace health and safety standards are less rigorously enforced (yes even than Haringey).
The moment the operative stumbles and says something like ‘we have no carpet’ only ‘bamboo’ or ‘broken glass and cigarette ends’, they have been rumbled.
Dr. Pack traces the call and dispatches a local field agent to shame the employer into providing their employees with WLO and ISO-approved shagpiles or at the very least linoleum tiles with anti-slip surfaces.
Thus in his own small way does he contribute to the ending of the tyranny of no-carpet cruelty in the hard world of white-collar slavery engendered by global free trade and cheaper deals on car insurance.
Naturally he can’t talk about this, as, to silence their campaign, the dark telecommunication and outsourcing forces ranged against LACCCW have been known to resort to extreme measures such as sending them repetitive fax noises down their phoneline and passing their details on to personal loan companies.
Dr. Pack we salute your silent crusade.
So Mark, do you want to buy 500 packets of cheap viagra or not?
(Beige, by the way)
Sales Slave: May I speak to Karin Robinson please.
Me: Speaking.
Sales Slave: This is John Smith.
Me: No, I mean this is me. I am Karin . I am speaking.
Sales Slave: Karin Robinson?
Me: Yes?
Sales Slave: Are you the Marketing Manager?
Me: I was two years ago, but I’ve been promoted. I’m now the Head of Strategic Marketing.
Sales Slave: Could I speak to the Marketing Manager?
Me: [Speechless.]
Oh, what a wag you are Mr Pack !!
Ah, so many points I can empathise with! Heres one from about a week ago:
25. Don’t stutter ameteurishly, in the middle of your very-obviously-printed-out speech, “And I…use it…myself and-I-have-found-it-improved…my life…so…” Look at who is winning elections these days. If you’re trying to sell a product, at least sound like you’re interested in my welfare.
C’mon, Mark, spill!
Come on Mark, enquiring minds want to know the answer to the carpet question.
Will we never find out what the carpet thing was about?
The carpet question isn’t really about carpets. It’s a proxy for any question Mark might ask the sales person. They may not know why Mark’s asking, but if they can answer the question, they should.
Alternatively, this is simply an attempt to go viral.