It’s the chance of a lifetime! Roll up, in your millions! Come and buy our beautiful Brexit Pig – in a poke!
When Brexit wins, June 24th will be a Golden Dawn*! Our Prime Minister, Whoever that might be, will soon show Angela Merkel who’s boss!
- What’s that you say? We’re going to let Cameron stay on? But that will be disastrous, he’ll drag his feet, it’ll all go pear-shaped! Surely we need to tell the nation that it’ll be Our Man?
- What’s that you say? That there’d be chaos, Boris slugging it out with Gove, the Opposition parties threatening to bring down the government? It’s a nightmare! What can we tell the public? I know! Let’s tell them nothing! Let’s dodge the question, say nothing at all about who will lead us out of Europe, and hope they don’t notice the problem. Keep that pig firmly in its poke!
Anyway, our Prime Minister Whoever will know exactly how to deal with Europe. It certainly won’t be like Norway!
- What’s that you say? That Cameron is bound to go for the Norway approach, which comes closest to no-change? Keep quiet about that. We haven’t told the public who Prime Minister Whoever will be, remember! Keep that pig firmly in its poke!
It won’t be like Switzerland, or Canada, or Albania! It won’t be like anything on Earth!
- What’s that you say? You don’t think we’re just making it all up on the hoof, do you?
We will take back control! Like Canute, we will be able to hold back the tide of EU migrants!
- What’s that you say? That the EU won’t let us do that unless we also leave the single market, and we’ve promised that our trade won’t get hit? And, our business funders actually want plenty of cheap immigrant labour? Hey, we can deal with this dilemma! We won’t promise to cut migration. We’ll just promise to be capable of cutting it! Keep that pig firmly in its poke!
We are naturally collaborative and peace-loving. Just see how our three rival Out campaigns love peace! We will quickly and amicably forge new trading partnerships – with the Colonies, with the Frogs, with everyone we don’t rub up the wrong way…
- What’s that you say? Funny way to do it, by kicking them all in the teeth, and unilaterally tearing up all the agreements they spent years hammering out with us? You think it might be slow and difficult? Don’t say that! Keep that pig firmly in its poke!
Vote for patriotism! You know, true patriots always stand alone, like General Galtieri, not together with Allies, like Churchill did!
Vote for democracy! You know, leaving the European Parliament would be a massive leap forward for British democracy, wouldn’t it?
Vote with your heart! Vote with your skinful! Vote with your oats! Whatever you do, don’t vote with your brain, because that means paying attention to facts! And (slow down, get very serious now)… Remember, there are no such things as facts! Facts are for nerds. Facts are scaremongering. Like Donald Trump, we Brexiters proudly put forward no real facts at all!
On June 23rd, trust us. Take a leap in the dark. Buy the Brexit Pig in a Poke!
( * – Memo, must ask Panos why he suggested that phrase “Golden Dawn”.)
* David Allen was a Lib Dem activist for more than 25 years, including being a Borough Councillor and local party Chairman in Rushcliffe. However, he opposed the Tory coalition, and finally left the Party in 2020. Since then, he has been politically independent. He would be delighted to support a centre-left Coalition including the Lib Dems.
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17 Comments
But you forgot to mention that if we leave
WWIII will break out or might break out or at the very least Russia do something
house prices plummet.
Football will change
But most of all it will mean lovely trust worthy people like David Cameron, George Osborne, Tony Blair will be very sad. And brother will set upon brother in an apocalypse the will engulf the world. etc.
The rhetoric of both camps is ludicrous. What we’re talking about is leaving a trading block. Whatever happens Cameron is gone.
And tell us, Nick… what will the EU look like in ten years’ time?
Very witty, but ……
If Brexit wins we’ll muddle through.
We always do.
and zero rate fuel … …
Flying pigs were available from the Gadget Shop in the pink.
I bought one for a leaving party at work.
Hollande and Merkel have been to Verdun this year, as Mitterrand and Kohl did.
“What we’re talking about is leaving a trading block.” – the EU is a political organisation and stated by Jeremey Paxman on his BBC report has affected UK sovereignty.
And the German President, Joachim Gauck, was in Orkney today for the very moving Jutland ceremonies.
Very funny article and the Tory party ripping itself to shreds is the only part of the In/Out debate that cheers me up, but even on this site, preaching to the converted, there are far too few positive messages about remaining in the EU.
I wish I’d taken a leaf out of another poster’s book (Stevan Rose) and submitted a postal vote for Remain, because the longer this campaign goes on the more it puts me off.
Thanks for the nice comments. As I hope was evident, this article wasn’t only a joke. I hope that the piece, or something like it, might actually be used as a kind of public “Punch and Judy show”, with Mr Brexit and his straight-man-or-woman, at street stalls and the like.
Humour is one thing that has been in short supply in this campaign. The public are heartily bored with everything else that is thrown at them. So why not give them a break, give them something to laugh at, and really lampoon the Brexiters?
There’s plenty to lampoon. A serious case could be made for Brexit, but Vote Leave are totally failing to make it, and totally failing to offer a responsible way forward in the event that they win. Their case deserves to fall apart under the weight of its own contradictions, and if we lampoon it, it will do.
I could do without scaremongering emails from the party saying Leave is way out in front and the only thing that will save the world is me sending in my credit card details. Checked the BBC poll tracker and it’s baloney. I wouldn’t give a penny to this campaign that seems determined to shoot itself in the foot. If Leave were ahead it’s only due to a lamentable Remain campaign.
The EU is a trading bloc that gives us relatively unfettered access to a huge market for which there is a subscription fee that is used to try and raise the economic development of poorer members and, ultimately, provide a more stable market for our goods and services. Our economy gets far more back than our government puts in. The EU is democratic, being an elected parliament, a Council (Cabinet) of elected national leaders, and a Commission appointed by democratically elected leaders who can be sacked by the Parliament. But it is not sovereign. Sovereignty always remains with national parliaments who can exercise their unilateral right to leave the EU at any time for any reason. It generates regulations designed to level playing fields – it protects us against any member state that would cut corners to undermine standards and acts as a quality controller. It helps fight cross border crime through the European arrest warrant and close cooperation on security matters rather than competition among security agencies. It provides the protection of an external EU border, which is under huge pressure but we have our own border within the borders which is as strong as it has ever been. It gives us easy access to casual farm labour with minimal red tape and we can now deny benefits to those who haven’t paid in. Best of all, stay in and you can change your mind any time.
There you go, a pitch for Remain with no negative points or scaremongering. I’m sure others can add to that.
Stevan – yes, sound positive arguments well phrased, but they won’t win over any of the doubters! People can see that for all the EU’s good intentions, they’re in a muddle with the currency, a muddle with refugees, and a muddle with expansion. Most will only want to Remain if they can recognise that Leave solves nothing and brings dangers. Project Fear is necessary – though the lack of humour and the exaggerated claims are not. Above all, it needs to be put across that Vote Leave are selling a pig in a poke!
Oops, ITV News subtitled Alex Carlisle as Donald Trump, who looks different and talks differently.
Stevan Rose: People seriously engage with the issues about three weeks before polling day, so the polls could change. Unlike the bookies they are not committed yet.
Merkel is leading a grand coalition with the SPD.
@David Allen
“Vote Leave are… totally failing to offer a responsible way forward in the event that they win”
I don’t get this point. Vote Leave are not putting themselves up for any kind of office. The day after the referendum, they will disapear in a puff of smoke whatever the result. It doesn’t seem to me that they have any responsibility to propose a “way forward” after the referendum, any more than it is up to Remain to propose a way forward should they win and we’re still stuck with all the problems of Britain’s relationship with the EU that most people seem to think exist.
@Peter Watson
“the Tory party ripping itself to shreds is the only part of the In/Out debate that cheers me up”
I suspect they’ll all be best mates again the morning after. The only purpose of this referendum is to strengthen the Conservative Party, and – barring a real knife-edge finish – it will do that. The Tories will emerge more united and the threat from UKIP will be at least partly neutralised.
Stuart: “Vote Leave … will disapear in a puff of smoke whatever the result. It doesn’t seem to me that they have any responsibility to propose a “way forward” after the referendum.”
Then why do they say “Take Control”, why do they put forward detailed policies down to VAT on fuel, why do they pretend they know exactly how they would renegotiate all our trading relationships but somehow can’t give us any details?
You’re right, they have no responsibility. They are completely irresponsible.
@David Allen
I fear you are right David. It needs a multi faceted approach. At least if someone asks for an all positive list of advantages with no fear mongering involved there is a starter for 10 above.
@David Allen
You’re right. I had a look at this morning’s big Leave immigration press release hoping to prove you wrong, but after a sensible preamble where they are clear that their plan is just a “proposal”, they muddy the waters by falling into saying “we will do this” and “we will do that”.
This is of course nonsense. Vote Leave are not putting themselves up for election and collectively they will, as I said, vanish the morning after the election.
However the Remain camp and the media are just as guilty as Vote Leave, since they keep talking about this as if it’s a general election as well. It isn’t. Whatever the outcome, we’ll be left with a big mess which will need to be sorted out by the current government in the very short term, then whoever replaces Cameron for a year or two, and then whoever gets elected in 2020.