I’ve written this in response to Tim Farron’s article regarding domestic violence:

This is a subject very close to my heart, as I have been through this and come out of the other end. The problems started in 2008 when my now ex-husband lost his mother. He subsequently took this out on me, both verbally and physically. As a result I lost all confidence; I lost my career, my self-esteem and I was totally alone. Had I told anyone we still would have been alienated; we needed help as a family, not judgement from those around us.

Anyway, eventually I left. Not because it got worse, but because I could not forgive him for what he had done. Because I was perceived as not being in any immediate danger I found myself homeless. That’s ok. I understand that there are people who needed more immediate shelter. I had no access to funds. He had all the money. I had nowhere to go. I sofa-surfed; homeless. Living out of a holdall at the tolerance of others.

Eventually I scraped the money together for a deposit on a flat. I could rent a bedsit, which I am still renting. I was still contributing to the marital home and had little access to any money (my £1000 savings was barely cutting it, all my cash was tied up in the home). I spoke of the prospect of selling but he was never “ready” to sell. Then, after a year of polite negotiations, he told me I wasn’t entitled to half our flat (bearing in mind I wasn’t planning on looking at his savings and assets, just the home) and he told me to get a solicitor.

At this point my take-home earnings were about £1000 per month. Out of this came my rent (£550 per month), bills and council tax. I was also trying to pay off my credit card debt which I had accumulated as a result of needing to set up a home again (I was allowed 2 pieces of furniture and my clothes from the marital home). This left me with £200 disposable income; not including food. I had no car and never went out. I guessed my life was miserable enough for legal aid. I guessed wrong.

The government currently defines domestic violence as:

Any incident of threatening behaviour, violence or abuse (psychological, physical, sexual, financial or emotional) between adults who are or have been intimate partners or family members, regardless of gender or sexuality.

 Yet, in order to qualify for legal aid, somehow domestic violence then has to be quantifiable. In order to qualify, the abuse had to have occurred in the last 2 years and had to be proven either by my attendance at the doctors (with the necessary injuries; seriously, who would go to their already stretched GP with bruises) or with crime numbers from the police. I hadn’t been allowed to call the police (he would wrench the phone out of my hand) so that ruled that out. It didn’t matter that I was still suffering psychological and financial abuse due to his complete refusal to sell the property. No one seemed bothered that I was scared of him, despite being “safe”. Still no one is really concerned with the nightmares that haunt me to this very day, or my ongoing depression. At this point there seemed no way out; I could divorce him after two years but would never get access to the money I needed unless I employed a solicitor, which I could not afford because I did not have any money. Understandably I went into emotional meltdown; as a result I nearly lost my job as my employer (I worked in the NHS) was less than sympathetic to my situation. I was suicidal; I felt I was a burden to my friends and family (who I couldn’t afford to see anyway) and would be better off dead.

Yet, something inside me would not give up. I worked all the overtime I could get my hands on. I sold any possession I had that was of any monetary value to help pay for a solicitor (although as an aside; I was doing this at the same time as going through the compulsory mediation now enforced upon us by the government; I was forced to pay for this on the proviso I would get the money back but the agency took the money I was making from those sales as income). I took on a second job, then a third, then a fourth. My credit card debt went through the roof. Financially I was killing myself but I knew it had to be done.

My ordeal started in 2008. It is now November 2015 and it is still going on. I have won my case and am preparing to both evict him from the property and sell it. I am £25,000 in debt and counting. I consider myself to be one of the lucky ones. What if I had children? Yes I wold have been entitled to state help but not as much as I can earn by working myself to death. This is just not a situation which can carry on. To add insult to injury; the court system is so slow. Every document needs personal service (which is no help when your former spouse goes into hiding I can tell you). Hearings have to be booked months in advance. I was backed into corners I did not wish to pursue; for example starting committal proceedings because he didn’t attend court when I had no care about whether or not he was a felon, just that I could access my flat! The justice system feels more like a licence to print money rather than a way for people down the bottom of the pile, like me and my ex-husband, to actually access justice.

Personally, I feel more needs to be done than just shelters. Leaving in these circumstances can be very sudden. You go from having a home (albeit an unsafe one) to having a very uncertain future. More needs to be done so these people aren’t left in shelters for months on end whilst housing is found. The housing needs to take weeks, not months. This cannot be means tested; many women are asset rich but cash poor because it’s all tied up in the family home, or they have little or no access to the bank accounts. Surely this can be looked at again once all other matters have been resolved and the person fleeing a violent situation has access to their own money again. Legal aid should be automatic for both sides in the dispute. I say this because it should speed up many of the legal processes and ensures that both sides are represented fairly. From personal experience my own case went on longer than necessary because my ex-partner refused to get a solicitor and co-operate, had he got one automatically he would have been forced to proceed if nothing else. It is essential to remember that actions such as non-participation are also forms of control in themselves; this is an element of the proceedings which needs eradication. Control is such an important element in cases of domestic violence; it is essential that the victim of domestic violence feels as if they are gaining some control back; it is important that all service providers remember that some forms of domestic abuse would never warrant a call to the GP or to the police. More needs to be done to support the victim emotionally both during and once they are in a safe environment. Ironically I felt more anxious away from the situation; my ex-husband became my own personal bogey-man. With every solicitor’s letter or new court date I was on the alert for an attack (which never came) and the bad dreams reliving every scene still wake me at night. There were times he could have killed me and it is only with hindsight that I realised this, thus heightening the anxiety. The mental health of victims needs to be addressed and we need to accept that a six-week course of therapy is just not going to be enough.

Lastly, and probably most controversially, I feel the way we view the perpetrators of domestic violence needs to be addressed. It is all too easy to brand them as “wife-beating scum”. These people need help. They need support to stop this behaviour. They need intensive therapy to get to the cause of their behaviour. It is also important to remember that this is not just an issue for men; women can be the perpetrators too with men often going unrecognised as silent victims. Shaming this issue underground does not help anybody. The only way domestic violence can ever be eradicated is by stopping it at source; I feel the best way we can do this is through the use of extensive behavioural therapy and support. It goes without saying that there are underlying reasons why people feel the need to harm those nearest to them and without addressing them the person will carry on with their unreasonable behaviour.

In conclusion, I feel many improvements need to be made with regards to the way both the victims and perpetrators of domestic abuse are treated. Without support for both sides the cycles of abuse will continue to perpetrate to the detriment of all involved. We as Liberal Democrats need to look at the ease of access to justice, as well as not labelling or indeed demonising those involved. The broader areas to consider incorporate housing, welfare and mental health amongst many others. It is essential to remember that domestic violence can happen to anyone at any time; irrespective of age, gender, background, education, ethnicity or sexual orientation.

* Betty is a pseudonym. The author is known to LDV.